6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

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Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Tears

Tears just wouldn’t stop. Till a moment ago, I had the excuse of onions in front of me. But now, they are done too. It has been the same since a couple of days. The fact that i have to leave for my real life tomorrow, is just killing me. It feels so heavy in the heart. And trying to write this out isn’t helping at all. Tears are bursting out allover. I had to lock myself in the room to prevent mum from watching me like this. These tears weren’t forced or fake. A pained heart is just crying out loud to take some weight of it.

I wish i know what my problem is. I know it is my marriage that is making me so unhappy. But there are no solid reasons to it. Well, it looks like the heart registers everything the mind wants to forget. Life proves to me again that no matter what, mind cannot control everything. 

Big girl

No re, I’m not talking about myself. It is Danielle Steele’s book that I’m talking about.
13 charles Street is the first book of Steele that I got to read. I really enjoyed the book. I always liked stories about the contemporary world. Stories that aren’t too depressing nor too fictitious. No wonder I loved her book. Not sure why it took me so long to pick her book again but this one is worth the wait. Loved Big girl for many reasons. I wouldn’t give out spoilers but would just tell you why I loved this book so much that I’m going for a second read. So, here’s why this became a good read to me. 🙂
1. I’m a big girl too and the thought of reading some story related to the topic is exciting.
2. Different things happen differently in everyone’s life. Just because you have a few things in common, it doesn’t mean that you’ve seen similar life. This book gives a great example for this.
3. Just because you are born to the same parents, it doesn’t mean that you think the same or you’ll have to look the same.
4. Just because a few people in the world think that you are fat and aren’t attractive, you need not stop living your life.
5. Parents might be the most wonderful and equally dangerous breed in the world.
6. Of course, your parents love you and can only think about your goodness and wellbeing. But for sure it doesn’t mean that whatever they do is good for you.
No matter what they say, we are the one’s who should be deciding what’s good for us and what’s not.
7. Parents give you good advices and suggestions from their own life experiences. They think we can play safe by following their footsteps. But what they forget is that no two lifes are similar and one has to make his own mistakes to grow. And the things they think are good to us need not necessarily be good for real as they think with their heart and brain when it’s our own brain and heart who knows what’s best for us.
And if I keep on listing like this, I will end up writing the whole story. So, that’s it for now people. And huh, don’t hesitate to pick it up when you see it. It’s a nice and interesting read.
Take care. Bye.

Love
Sahasra