Certain Moments

That moment when you know in your heart that you don’t want to live anymore but is too scared to die or worse, too sacred that you might do something to die and you cannot tell anyone you love about this, as it might hurt them, but you still feel like screaming on top of your lungs that you want to die or no longer want to live.

I don’t know why the hell is this so confusing!

It is the same at work. My manager doesn’t give me any work and I mostly get work from a different manager who is a step above my manager, which is kind of a good thing. But when I don’t feel like working at all or have stopped working for days and when no one cares or doesn’t care to realise that I am not working, it feels worse. I know I’m not working for them or their reactions but why do I still seek validation. Why did I feel worse that they gave me a huge raise when I wasn’t satisfied with my own performance. They praised me that I’ve been doing wonderful work and have been successfully managing a huge client and keeping them happy and that I’ve risen up to every challenge thay I was presented with, be it training and building a new team or holding fort when they needed. But why do I feel that I’m not worthy of all that praise. Why the hell do I feel guilty about taking money from a company that I’ve spent my entire twenties serving!

Why the hell did I ask my senior manager about why he doesn’t complain or raise any issues. I didn’t specifically say, “about me!”. But any 2nd statement on that would’ve made that clear to him. I just lucked out that someone walked in right at that moment saving me from any further self-destructive art work. In this exact moment when I write that I’m saved from a disaster, I also feel that I should’ve continued with the discussion and taken my chances and discuss my questions about work!

Why the hell is everything so complicated to me. To die or not die, to work or not work, to take a home loan or not to, to talk or not to talk and hell, to think or not to think.

In this exact moment, I feel so worthless and useless that I can call myself the most self loathing creature on this planet. I just wonder where all that selfish self love was? Just vanished into thin air? Puff?

A few questions and a lot of answers.

I’m a confused soul and have always been. I overthink a lot and get into panic mode very often. The most common thing that I would do on a regular workday is to work for a few hours and then google something and wind up in a rabbit-hole of articles or encyclopedias of information or blogs. I do feel guilty for wasting time at work but just can’t help it as I’ve always been the type to get distracted by the smallest of things. My mind just cannot concentrate on one thing at a time or worse one thing for long. So, I keep losing my train of thoughts most often and keep jumping into one thought from another. So in all that jumping and hopping, I ended up reading answers on Quora and found this as an answer to respecting spouses. The Quoran who answered this intended this to be a questionnaire to see at what level the seeker is at in their relationship.

I just thought, with all my confusing thoughts and feelings, I should answer it for myself.

  • Do you respect each other?
  • I respect him as a human being and so does he but the kind of respect that exists between a wife and a husband didn’t exist. My POV is that I couldn’t respect someone who failed to treat me as his equal. I know that he is not being that way on purpose but he is wired that way. In his brain it is okay for men to be superior to women as that’s all he has seen his entire life and he is okay with that status quo while I’m not.

  • Do you find each other physically attractive or repulsive?
  • In my short lived marriage, I was talked into a physical relationship when I wasn’t mentally ready for it. I know I was equally deserving of blame as I put my physcial interest over my mental status. Even though we had a few good moments in between, my self guilt and a weird hatred for him started popping up. That made any minor issue a major deal breaker to me. His extensive sweating, body odour issues, bathroom habits, living habits etc contributed to me being physically repulsive to him.

  • Do you care for each other?
  • By the time we spoke about divorce, I lost all sense of empathy for him and looking at his behaviour, I think it is the same case with him too.

  • Are your expectations compatible?
  • No. He is too ambitious while I limit my ambition just enough to be comfortable and secure in life. I value quiet, serene life while he is a nervous, insecure splash. The biggest misunderstanding between us is about your expectations from life. I seem ambitious on the cover but not in reality. I just am too independent and opinionated which came across as ambition to him.

  • Do you flirt with each other?
  • Maybe, a couple of times in the early days of marriage, but not more than that. I became too guarded and hurt his ego one too many times for him to initiate flirting. And any harshness from him resulted in me shutting down completely.

  • Do you spend quality time together?
  • Our quality times are filled with ego matches and pissing contests that rarely resulted in affection.

  • Do you share hobbies or like the same kind of activities?
  • We are poles apart and rarely had anything in common. More over, the one thing we had in common was movies and as time passed, I hated doing anything with him and ended up not watching a movie in 6 months of living together.

  • Find out what it is that would make you feel loved. Talk about it. Stay positive.
  • In retrospect, I think the biggest problem between us is that I couldn’t get myself to love him for what he is. I know many who would say, you need to respect and love your husband since you choose to be in this marriage all by yourself. Well, I agree that it is my choice. But it is an ill-informed choice made in a day, which was a terrible lapse of judgement on my part. I just couldn’t get myself to accept the man he is and it made me terribly unhappy, guilty and depressed. So trust me when I say, when a person is depressed, unhappy, guilt-ridden, pushed into a corner and sick, there is no scope to retain any positivity into that life unless the whole situation changes. I was suicidal, rude, arrogant, sick and one hell of a crack when I was in that phase. I cannot tell you how many horrible thoughts crossed my head during that period. I was a horrible human being, I knew of the monster i’ve turned into and was lost on a collision course, and the more I tried, the more I went deeper into that abyss and I just couldn’t get back to being myself.

  • You may never ‘fall in love’, but perhaps you will find that your husband is lovable, and start loving him, and he may start loving you, as you dream about it.
  • I cannot tell you how many people told me this. But neither of us are patient enough for us to love each other the way we deserved.

If there is anything my broken marriage has ever taught me, it is one thing. Never underestimate the power of human heart and brain. The depths that they can show you, are just amazing and equally scary. I was in my own mental abyss and my body started decaying one piece at a time.

The only decision of my life that is completely mine, is to get a divorce. It was such a pain in the heart, it hurt our families like hell, it was a torment to everyone involved, but ultimately it was my decision about my life. Look at me now, my physical issues can be scaled 90, were now at some 30 and mentally, I was at peace. I still have anxiety attacks, go into panic modes and turn suicidal once in a while. But that’s not the constant in my life as it used to be. Today, my constant is that I’m not working as efficiently as I should and how I should be improving that. The pain, the struggle is no longer that intense.

I’m sure one day, I will find myself again. Laugh in the rain again and love someone as much as I love myself.

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6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

Facts #3 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband.
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

    Relationships

    What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?

    And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?

    And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.

    When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.

    I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.

    There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!