6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

I understand

Maybe, it is in these slow moments like these that people understand how easy it is to die.

That distance between the fan and you. That piece of cloth that binds your neck and that fan into eternity seems like your best friend. I now understand how and why it becomes so easy to die.

I always wondered about the strength of the people who take their own lives. I always thought I was a coward and could never take my own life. But it is not you that needs to be strong it is the situation that needs to be strong enough to turn your cowardice into courage.

It is in those moments when life becomes so heavy and tough to live, it is in those moments when a fast forward or full rewind is all you wish for but neither happens and you are stuck in the present, that makes death your best friend.

You absolutely don’t know what it is that awaits us on the other end. And that is when you take the plunge, a leap of faith into the unknown. I really don’t know why people use this phrase when they get into thibgs like marriage, new job etc. They aren’t unknown results in those. They can either work or do not work, unlike death, which is a perfect black hole.

And it also feels as if people think that I’m faking pain, and trying to gain sympathy when i talk about death or suicidal thoughts. No, I’m not trying to gain any sympathy. I couldn’t care less about your symapthy. I just need to leave reninders to people that on the day it happened, people wouldn’t think it is all sudden. So that tgey wouldn’t say, I thought it was all okay, i didn’t know there were such issues in her head, her committing suicide was totally unexpected, it was all too sudden and strange. I don’t want people say that.

I want them to know that I’m not okay and I did the best i can and it is only because my best isn’t enough and i couldn’t live with my best that i had to leave and disappear into the unknown.

I’m not the genius who excelled at everything i did. But I’m no normal. I’m crazy in my head. I have thoughts and feelings no one around me has. I rarely find people like me. I’m full of contradictions and complexities. I’m just me. I’m a person who is a mystery to myself. All my life, I’ve been trying to understand myself. Not that I succeeded, but i got somewhere. You can see how my brain works if you read my blog.

I now decided, the day I’m going to die, I’m going to go public and tell everyone around me of my blog. Maybe, they may understand how stupid i am and how crazy my brain works. I’m just a lost soul that craves to be understood. God help all such souls outside. I’m really sorry for being in the lives of those around me, for i have given them nothing but pain. I’m a sadness in their lives that i can never take away. Only time and distance can do that. I’m sad that my parents had me. I wish they had someone else other than me.. they wouldn’t be this unhappy.

Meri Pyaari Bindu

If you are not a fan of Ayushmann Khurana, then be one. Well, Parineeti Chopra is no less but you know, I’m into men. So, Ayushmann it is.

How can a guy be that beautiful? I know it is ‘Handsome’ for men, but one look at him, his perfectly shaped eyebrows, those wonderful eyes and that sad yet soulful smile, makes me say beautiful and wow. More than that, how can he do that magic in every single movie? He is absolutely adorable and yummilicious. I need not say a word about his acting abilities. If not for the fact that he is happily married, i would’ve just believed that Abhi and Bindu are for real. He is that amazing and convincing. 

The movie may be titled after the herione but Ayushmann is the one who captured my heart. This I don’t think is any coincidence. Can i relate to the story? A big YES. If only i was happy in my marriage and had a kid and found out what i can be really good at, the story would’ve been mine. But it isn’t and still, i loved the guy because it remembered me of that guy who was my bestfriend and who loved me like crazy. If it wasn’t something that i have seen and lived, i would’ve probably laughed it off calling it a fictional sob story. But no, things like that happen and people like me break hearts just because we don’t know what we are doing. Just because we aren’t sure if it is right or wrong, we give up. We are confused and most often, are tortured souls who not only torture ourself but also end up doing the same to everyone around us. You see what I’m doing? I end up telling about myself eventually. This is why i call myself a narcissist. By the way, apart from the fact that Parineeti(Bindu) has a picture perfect body, i really think we have real similarities in being confused and breaking hearts. I’m not the wild child but i sure am the confused one. One thing’s for sure that we will always have those memories of our first love in our heart forever no matter how it ends. So, that is what this movie reminds me of.

Anyways, if you have the time, please do go and watch the movie. It is so worth it. I can really say, if you ever had a love story that didn’t work out, you’ll definitely find yourself somewhere in their journey. And if yours is one of those happily​ every after stories, you’ll definitely thank your partner for the clarity they had on life.😆😋 

I NEVER cry at the movies and there i am literally sobbing by the end of the movie. You know, to me, it was a wonderful experience watching it.

Have a great Sunday everyone.

Love, Sahasra.

Lou Gehrig

Never ever seen a base ball game in my 26  years of my life. Happened to come across a tribute to Lou Gehrig this morning and I was wondering all day about where I heard this name. I started googling the name and then found the connection. Not long time back, there was this ALS Ice Bucket challenge about which everyone literally went crazy. I read about the disease back then, but never cared to read about the person after whom this disease is renamed. Wiki portrays a wonderful sketch of the man’s life and it is indeed amazing to know about such a man.

And before I talk more about this man, I must say that I’m in a fragile and very weak emotional state due to stress from personal and professional lives. I wish things were as easy as the tears that tried to flow down the cheeks and I wish I had the courage to stand up for my life or should I say for control over my life. Anyways, this emotional me, got a reason to let the tears flow by when I read about the person. No one ever told me that crying for silly reasons can also make your heart lighter. Though I knew nothing of you, I thank you for being that person everyone says you are and thank you for moving me with your life. Here is the poem written by, John Keiran (another name that sounds very familiar but not sure how and from where! I still have to research him.) for the day he retired. I hope you like it as much as I did.

“We’ve been to the wars together;
We took our foes as they came;
And always you were the leader,
And ever you played the game.

Idol of cheering millions,
Records are yours by sheaves;
Iron of frame they hailed you
Decked you with laurel leaves.

But higher than that we hold you,
We who have known you best;
Knowing the way you came through
Every human test.

Let this be a silent token
Of lasting Friendship’s gleam,
And all that we’ve left unspoken;
Your Pals of the Yankees Team.”

This is it people. Take care and love you all.
Love,
Sahasra