6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

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Relive

I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.

It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.

I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Some promises to myself

  • Sleep on time.
  • Eat on time.
  • No matter what, tell yourself “I Love You” at the start and end of the day, everyday.
  • Make 2 lists everyday. One for work and other for life. Make them happen without killing yourself.
  • Watch a movie once a week and more than one if possible.
  • Whenever you think of suicide, think of maa, paa and chinnu. And about the wonderful life you could have lived if you have just learnt to live through.
  • Try to do some form of exercise everyday.
  • Do not sleep during the day. i.e. weekends. Visit atleast one new place every week.
  • Watch all those pending series.. only on weekdays huh!
  • Completely read one book every week and write a review on every Saturday.
  • You have a wonderful phone. Take advantage of it and make sure you click 2 pictures every day. One of yours and the other of Melbourne.
  • Fall in love with yourself and Melbourne again.
  • If shopping makes you feel better, do.  Splurging on yourself is so worth it.
  • Do atleast one online course a month. Doesn’t matter how small or big it is, just decide and do.
  • Start preparing your resume.
  • Update the LinkedIn profile.
  • Sit with Dad and do taxes. Learn about your financial worth.
  • Learn the art of investing.
  • Make bucket lists for life, for Melbourne, for everything that you can think of.
  • Accept your mistakes and learn to move forward.
  • Listen, no matter what, you are always worth someone’s time and love. And ofcourse, you are capable of loving someone.
  • It is okay to be selfish.
  • Understand that you can write the best story of your life only by living it wholeheartedly enjoying every moment of it.
  • Keep looking at this list as a reminder and work on it. Keep updating it whenever required.
  • Your goal in life is to be happy not just to be someone’s daughter or sister or wife or anything. 
  • It is okay to be different and thinking like this is NOT A MISTAKE.