Some feelings .. #1

Someone who’s very affectionate and who expresses their affection towards me. I love cuddling, hugging, and someone affectionately spooning my face and kissing me.

It must be the physical affection that I was deprived of since childhood that makes me crave for it, but if I ever have a partner, this is something that I need.

More than anything, I want to be with a kind, caring, affectionate and compassionate person who demonstrates his feelings towards me. There used to a time when intelligence attracted me, but now, I’m more into kind people. Intelligent people still attract me, but I often found out that most brainy people are arrogant. I later on realised that my type is emotionally intelligent, not just worldly intelligent who can earn money. It’s heart over brain for me and I heart feelings now πŸ˜‚.

This is no random post, this is something that I have always thought about on what I want or need from a partner. I just never had this level of clarity.

I now know that money, I can earn as much as I need and I can live with whatever I have without any regrets. And I’m getting there about not considering the physical attributes as some priority, but the qualities mentioned earlier, are a must and there’s no compromise there.

I’m just okay and good being on my own, living by myself and loving myself as much as I need, but if I ever find someone attractive enough to share this life with or carve some life together, then this would be my most important criteria.

Saying again, this is just my own monologue, something clicked in my head while doing something and realised that I’ll lose this if I didn’t pen it down now. I wanted to create a draft of it, but somehow I’m now convinced that this could be a post as well. So, that’s it πŸ‘»πŸ€.

I hope you’re all doing well and surviving this life in whichever way you can. Whatever the situation is, just take a breathe and live this minute, we can think about the next minute when we get there.. just live this minute in peace. That’s how I’m surviving.

Love, S

Curator Series #5: (Not a) Superwoman

Behind a Superwoman

A friend asked me this morning, on what was the problem I had with my husband. His intention was to really understand what my issue was and how it got that bad. Please don’t mistake him for the prying neighbourly aunty. He is someone who accepted me for what I am and gave me the benefit of doubt in every situation even though he disagreed with some of my views. He’s been my rock solid support system who accepted my friendship with my flaws.

For someone like him, I was and will always be ready to explain. He knew that I am in a safe place now and can answer questions like these and hence the question. Since he knows most of the inbetween and after story content, I explained him in simple words when an article in my notes popped up with the super woman topic. He is in the middle of the arranged marriage process and wanted to know how he can try to not repeat my mistake. So, this was my answer to him. Earlier this morning when we spoke, I couldn’t put my thoughts together to explain him clearly, but when I came across this article while going through my posts, I thought this would help me to tell my point in a better and easy way.

So, here it is. The story of a superwoman and who’s behind her. Please note that this article is from womens web by Tanvi Sinha.

https://www.womensweb.in/2017/05/behind-every-superwoman-inconsiderate-man/

And this is my conclusion to my rant.

Most men and women around me are that way(Super woman and Bittu Bhaiyya) and that is why many don’t think it is a problem. But to me it is. That is how I was different or in popular terms, the odd or weird one.

It took me a while and many a depressed bouts to realise that being different from others or expecting different things from others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I still deserve my happiness and that I’m not a bad or terrible person to choose my happiness.

Anyone who’s following might be wondering why I’m writing all these posts now. It’s just me venting out whatever bitterness is left in me and in process paving way to a new life. I’m breathing, getting better and finding myself again. This s an attempt at decluttering my brain and collections as well. Well anyways, my blog has always been about me. I’m a narc that way.

So, here’s my curator series post of the day. Thank you for reading πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—.

Choosing happiness

The sad thing about writing a blog post on the laptop is, I end up going on to the reader and start reading posts. Trust me, that’s sad because, once you start scrolling down the reader, it is a rabbit hole which is never-ending, ever consuming, and most importantly filled with amazingly funny and interesting blog posts. The rants, the stories, the lives, the recipes, the fun, and some pretty serious thoughts, all of those are just wonderful and a little too much to handle on a serious work day. Eventually, I ended up not working at all yesterday. And today when I open my laptop at work again, I see my open tabs filled with interesting posts that are waiting to be read. And I couldn’t resist and dived in.

It was then that I found this post on relationship goals by a very famous blogger. It was about choosing to leave and being happy over staying in the relationship and being unhappy. Well, I couldn’t agree more.

The more I think about my marriage, the more clearer it gets as every day passes. I was terribly unhappy in the marriage. No matter what anybody says, marriage is a compromise that we humans are ready for out of our necessity or want or wish to be with a certain someone. And when I got into a marriage that did not originate from love, I was pretty sure that I may not be the person who can love someone out of the blue and so thought that maybe arranged marriage is the thing for me. I thought if I can respect that someone, and if there is some attraction in between, there can be a relationship and by any remote chance even love can follow. I just shouldn’t have rushed into it and should have taken some time to get to know him and figure out if I can really respect him or not and if I’m attracted to him or not. My other mistake is that I underestimated the power of the human brain. Once I got into the relationship, it is clear that there is no love or attraction. Yet, there is a need to stay in that relationship as it involved many people, two families and their hopes, plans and pressures.

So, in the compromise called marriage, we need to make 10 thousand more compromises every day about things ranging from too little to too big with not just one person but with almost everyone around. I don’t know why compromise is a bad word, but when done with love, while in love and while being loved, nothing ever sounds like a compromise and everything seems to be fair and square. But for someone in my situation, to make all those little or big compromises every day and with a realisation that eventually, I will have to compromise on the dreams and plans that I curated for my life, is just plain heartbreak.

To stay in that marriage means to live a life that is never my wish or dream. Call it my ego or anything else, to live on someone else’s terms made me terribly unhappy. And once the wave of unhappiness hits you, it hits you hard. Throwing you off your feet, into the waves of depression and messing up your brain, body and everything within and around. At one point, the mere thought of a life with him made me miserable.

It is very easy to tell someone in an unhappy marriage to just move on OR to just bear it now and you’ll adjust to it with time OR that all marriages are that way OR to think about your parents OR that the next one might be worse OR that he isn’t abusive OR that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. It is very easy to say such things when you are in a happy place and know nothing of the cyclone of unhappiness raging within this person.

And to choose happiness, this person, has to break hearts, destroy plans and then survive the onslaught of hatred and at the risk of being called cold, cruel and selfish. Well, if it is not my life on the line, maybe, I wouldn’t be so selfish to choose myself over everyone else. Despite all my mistakes, miscalculations, misjudgements, I still have to live with myself. The only way I can do that is to accept my mistakes, accept my shortcomings and still forgive myself so that I can meet the next day in peace. I made a similar choice. I accepted myself for what I am and I choose to move out of that marriage and be happy. I know, I might never find love or might never get married again. I might be alone and might have to face loneliness at one point in time. But I still choose that over being with someone and being unhappy.

Choosing oneself for your own survival is not being selfish. It is called self-preservation. It is the best possible decision that I’ve ever taken and I’m very proud of myself for making such a choice. So, if there is something that I have to tell someone in my place, I would always beg them to choose themselves over anything and everything. No matter how many lives we have, we always remember only one and that one life is this and it is our responsibility to live it to the best of our ability.

Just choose yourself and choose to be happy. Any decision in life should be based on that. And when you do that, you’ll be ready to face any consequences that result from the choices you made.

So, that’s me for today. Have a great life, you people. πŸ™‚

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Acceptance

Whatever has happened, has happened.Β There is nothing that I can do to change any of what’s done.

I cannot change how I led my school life.

I cannot change what I choose to study after school.

I cannot change how I choose to study while at college.

I cannot change how I forced myself to love someone when I clearly wasn’t in love.

I cannot change how I lived my life after college.

I cannot change how I ended up getting married to someone I never connected with.

I cannot change how I behaved while I was married.

I cannot change how the marriage ended (technically, yet to end).

I, more certainly cannot change how I ended up depressed, sad, confused, lost and miserable, after what was supposed to be the best decision I have ever taken.

I cannot change how people behave or what people think of me and my family.

I cannot change how my family thinks of me or how sad I make them feel.

Sometimes, there is nothing one can do about certain things. They cannot be changed. But one can always change how they let these things affect them. One can always decide to accept it for whatever it is and find peace in chaos. The past cannot be changed and the future cannot be predicted. It is only the present we have. There is no point in sulking about the past or worrying about the future. Live this day, today, to the fullest. As selfish as it may sound, today, love yourself to the fullest. Do everything that makes you happy today. And in all that, somewhere you’ll find peace. The way you treat your today makes a world of difference on your tomorrow. Be you, and Choose you, Over everything and everyone. Stop worrying about everything that’s either in the past or in the future. Just make the best of what you can today and see how it works wonders for tomorrow. πŸ™‚

 

6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, πŸ‘©

Relive

I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.

It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.

I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Some promises to myself

  • Sleep on time.
  • Eat on time.
  • No matter what, tell yourself “I Love You” at the start and end of the day, everyday.
  • Make 2 lists everyday. One for work and other for life. Make them happen without killing yourself.
  • Watch a movie once a week and more than one if possible.
  • Whenever you think of suicide, think of maa, paa and chinnu. And about the wonderful life you could have lived if you have just learnt to live through.
  • Try to do some form of exercise everyday.
  • Do not sleep during the day. i.e. weekends. Visit atleast one new place every week.
  • Watch all those pending series.. only on weekdays huh!
  • Completely read one book every week and write a review on every Saturday.
  • You have a wonderful phone. Take advantage of it and make sure you click 2 pictures every day. One of yours and the other of Melbourne.
  • Fall in love with yourself and Melbourne again.
  • If shopping makes you feel better, do.  Splurging on yourself is so worth it.
  • Do atleast one online course a month. Doesn’t matter how small or big it is, just decide and do.
  • Start preparing your resume.
  • Update the LinkedIn profile.
  • Sit with Dad and do taxes. Learn about your financial worth.
  • Learn the art of investing.
  • Make bucket lists for life, for Melbourne, for everything that you can think of.
  • Accept your mistakes and learn to move forward.
  • Listen, no matter what, you are always worth someone’s time and love. And ofcourse, you are capable of loving someone.
  • It is okay to be selfish.
  • Understand that you can write the best story of your life only by living it wholeheartedly enjoying every moment of it.
  • Keep looking at this list as a reminder and work on it. Keep updating it whenever required.
  • Your goal in life is to be happy not just to be someone’s daughter or sister or wife or anything. 
  • It is okay to be different and thinking like this is NOT A MISTAKE.