Choosing happiness

The sad thing about writing a blog post on the laptop is, I end up going on to the reader and start reading posts. Trust me, that’s sad because, once you start scrolling down the reader, it is a rabbit hole which is never-ending, ever consuming, and most importantly filled with amazingly funny and interesting blog posts. The rants, the stories, the lives, the recipes, the fun, and some pretty serious thoughts, all of those are just wonderful and a little too much to handle on a serious work day. Eventually, I ended up not working at all yesterday. And today when I open my laptop at work again, I see my open tabs filled with interesting posts that are waiting to be read. And I couldn’t resist and dived in.

It was then that I found this post on relationship goals by a very famous blogger. It was about choosing to leave and being happy over staying in the relationship and being unhappy. Well, I couldn’t agree more.

The more I think about my marriage, the more clearer it gets as every day passes. I was terribly unhappy in the marriage. No matter what anybody says, marriage is a compromise that we humans are ready for out of our necessity or want or wish to be with a certain someone. And when I got into a marriage that did not originate from love, I was pretty sure that I may not be the person who can love someone out of the blue and so thought that maybe arranged marriage is the thing for me. I thought if I can respect that someone, and if there is some attraction in between, there can be a relationship and by any remote chance even love can follow. I just shouldn’t have rushed into it and should have taken some time to get to know him and figure out if I can really respect him or not and if I’m attracted to him or not. My other mistake is that I underestimated the power of the human brain. Once I got into the relationship, it is clear that there is no love or attraction. Yet, there is a need to stay in that relationship as it involved many people, two families and their hopes, plans and pressures.

So, in the compromise called marriage, we need to make 10 thousand more compromises every day about things ranging from too little to too big with not just one person but with almost everyone around. I don’t know why compromise is a bad word, but when done with love, while in love and while being loved, nothing ever sounds like a compromise and everything seems to be fair and square. But for someone in my situation, to make all those little or big compromises every day and with a realisation that eventually, I will have to compromise on the dreams and plans that I curated for my life, is just plain heartbreak.

To stay in that marriage means to live a life that is never my wish or dream. Call it my ego or anything else, to live on someone else’s terms made me terribly unhappy. And once the wave of unhappiness hits you, it hits you hard. Throwing you off your feet, into the waves of depression and messing up your brain, body and everything within and around. At one point, the mere thought of a life with him made me miserable.

It is very easy to tell someone in an unhappy marriage to just move on OR to just bear it now and you’ll adjust to it with time OR that all marriages are that way OR to think about your parents OR that the next one might be worse OR that he isn’t abusive OR that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. It is very easy to say such things when you are in a happy place and know nothing of the cyclone of unhappiness raging within this person.

And to choose happiness, this person, has to break hearts, destroy plans and then survive the onslaught of hatred and at the risk of being called cold, cruel and selfish. Well, if it is not my life on the line, maybe, I wouldn’t be so selfish to choose myself over everyone else. Despite all my mistakes, miscalculations, misjudgements, I still have to live with myself. The only way I can do that is to accept my mistakes, accept my shortcomings and still forgive myself so that I can meet the next day in peace. I made a similar choice. I accepted myself for what I am and I choose to move out of that marriage and be happy. I know, I might never find love or might never get married again. I might be alone and might have to face loneliness at one point in time. But I still choose that over being with someone and being unhappy.

Choosing oneself for your own survival is not being selfish. It is called self-preservation. It is the best possible decision that I’ve ever taken and I’m very proud of myself for making such a choice. So, if there is something that I have to tell someone in my place, I would always beg them to choose themselves over anything and everything. No matter how many lives we have, we always remember only one and that one life is this and it is our responsibility to live it to the best of our ability.

Just choose yourself and choose to be happy. Any decision in life should be based on that. And when you do that, you’ll be ready to face any consequences that result from the choices you made.

So, that’s me for today. Have a great life, you people. ๐Ÿ™‚

A good weekend #1

I wish there were more of these. It was in no way perfect but it was a good weekend.

I got a few pending things done, I did some physical activity, I finished a drama, I ended up getting some quality sleep eve though it is just for a couple of hours midday on a full stomach. Most importantly, I managed to converse with my neighbours and also enjoyed my seclusion. I was listening to music and stocked & prepped for the week.

Well, there are many other things that I had wanted to do, like, doing a little reading, writing something, getting some office work done, finishing a course, dusting the bike and riding it, going for a walk and sleeping on time. But like I said, despite of all the things that I didn’t do, this weekend feels like a success as I did my best and rested when I was tired and depressed. I wish the week goes smooth too.

There are a few things I want to accomplish this week but irrespective of checking the items on the list, I also want to end the week in a better or if it permits, in a happy mood.

So, here’s the things for the week to just make it do.

1. Work diligently without getting distracted at work.

2. Sleep early and wake up early.

3. Eat well and eat healthy.

4. Not to stress out about things that didn’t work out, both at work and at home.

5. Talk more often with friends and family.

6. Get some exercise, in whichever way you can.

7. Most importantly, smile a lot.

8. Do one thing that helps you with your future.

When doing a lot seems to be impossible, just doing the minimal, should do.

Why be unhappy about not being able to do a tonne? Just do the needful at the moment and slowly work your way through the rest. This is my motto these days. I’m just getting by, one minute at a time and one day at a time.

Signing of for the day, and looking forward to a great week ahead ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Ž.

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Acceptance

Whatever has happened, has happened.ย There is nothing that I can do to change any of what’s done.

I cannot change how I led my school life.

I cannot change what I choose to study after school.

I cannot change how I choose to study while at college.

I cannot change how I forced myself to love someone when I clearly wasn’t in love.

I cannot change how I lived my life after college.

I cannot change how I ended up getting married to someone I never connected with.

I cannot change how I behaved while I was married.

I cannot change how the marriage ended (technically, yet to end).

I, more certainly cannot change how I ended up depressed, sad, confused, lost and miserable, after what was supposed to be the best decision I have ever taken.

I cannot change how people behave or what people think of me and my family.

I cannot change how my family thinks of me or how sad I make them feel.

Sometimes, there is nothing one can do about certain things. They cannot be changed. But one can always change how they let these things affect them. One can always decide to accept it for whatever it is and find peace in chaos. The past cannot be changed and the future cannot be predicted. It is only the present we have. There is no point in sulking about the past or worrying about the future. Live this day, today, to the fullest. As selfish as it may sound, today, love yourself to the fullest. Do everything that makes you happy today. And in all that, somewhere you’ll find peace. The way you treat your today makes a world of difference on your tomorrow. Be you, and Choose you, Over everything and everyone. Stop worrying about everything that’s either in the past or in the future. Just make the best of what you can today and see how it works wonders for tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚