Choices – The next 180 days # Day 177

I kind of have 2 choices.

Now that it is already the weekend, i can sulk all day and let my house rot and look like a pig sty. Trust me, a pig sty would be in a better state than my house is right now.

It is a given that his presence makes me go crazy and depressed. Any talks that involve him, his family and our marriage are triggering a storm within me. But hasn’t this happened way too many times already? I should’ve gotten used to it by now. But no, everytime I let this happen to myself. And everytime it ruins me for a few days. My house suffers, my health suffers, my work suffers, and everything comes to a halt as if I’m mourning someone or something.

But really, what am I mourning? The end of my marriage and/or the end of this relationship that bound us, our families, that was supposed to give some meaning to my life! The way I see it, I’m not the victim here. Infact nobody is. If at all we are anything, we are a victim of circumstances and social conditions. It is a good thing that getting out of this mess would help us be what we want to. He can go back to being the man he is, marry someone who could respect and love him for what he is and live life on his terms. I can go back to being the woman i was and aspire to be a better person and reach the heights that I wasn’t even supposed to dream of before.

We are just two strong individuals, who are polar opposites, with a defined path in life that didn’t seem to merge unless one of us loses everything and follow the other. We tried to make it work and like everybody would say, tried to compromise on both ends which only made us more miserable and unhappy. This affected our psychological state of mind and eventually the cracks led to a complete break.

We did fight, we did argue, we still do whenever we face each other but all of that is because we either want the other one to see our point or to completely understand and behave in a way they wanted to. This never happens/ed. We are just entirely different to the core and our expectations about the other person to be like us led us here. And in all these arguments for and about divorce and families and us, we tend to forget the real reason here and end up fighting about silly things like shared house work and taking out trash. When in reality, these are not the things we are really fighting for. We are actually fighting about the way we perceive our partner to be and the way they actually are. Adjustments work when it is about “what’s for dinner or who’s going to fold the clothes”, but they wouldn’t work when it is about leaving your job and pursuing higher studies, not wanting kids until it feels right, not lying to each other just for the sake of lying because it is a behavioral trait. Arguing about these things would be pointless as they are things that make people what they are and that cannot be changed unless you want the person to borrow a completely different brain.

But again, it took me ages to understand this and I’m not sure how many more ages would it take for him to realise it all. And for this reason alone that I understood what it was all about and have atleast a faint idea of what it might be, I cannot hate him despite all the creeps he gives me. I cannot love him but couldn’t hate him either because i cannot hate a man for being himself. Though he uses his high pitched tone and towering height to conquer arguments, I’m no perfect as i have my bouts of anger too that ate 2 of my phones. Yes, I’m out of line on that and have been practising self-control ever since I realised it.

The only thing I’m guilty about is that in the process of understanding all of this, i left my family a burden that they’ll have to carry forever and threw them into uncertain and ruthless future. They didn’t ask for any of this mess they were in nor they deserve this. This thing alone kills me every single time and it will take a lot of time to heal these wounds. I think this is why I get depressed whenever I see him or talk to him or about him. It somehow reopens these wounds. Just like the self-control thing, i need to practice restraint and try to help my mind try to disconnect him with my wounds.

So, coming down to what I started, I now have 2 choices. Either I think all of these again and again in repeat in my brain and let it kill me or I write it down, come to a conclusion, understand it for what it is, let it go and get off this bed and live life.

So, I’m choosing the 2nd one and going to live instead of sulking in the past forever. I’m going to try not to let him or his thoughts add salt to my wounds as that would be an unfair act to me by myself.

So, I’m going to publish this post, get off this bed, get myself together, maky my pigsty into a home again, eat, drink, prep for the week and study. These are my tasks for today on my 180 Day Project.

Some observations – The next 180 days # Day 178

When you stop doing what you do and listen to your surroundings, you notice things that you didn’t see before. It is as if you just poke your head out of your little nest and is looking around.

When i decided to concentrate on work and not to watch anything on the net, i realised that it is not just because they are interesting that I wanted to watch. It is because i’m running away, scared from what my life is offering me, scared of things that I’m supposed to face or do, scared to deal with the mess that I am in.

When i stopped my brain from being in a busy state by means of TV shows and YouTube, it had to face the real world. For no reason, i ended up crying in the washroom, drowning my sorrows in caffeine filled coffees and green teas. Only loud music with all the drums and beats gave me some peace. Amidst those loud sounds, i couldn’t even hear my own thoughts and i could work for a while.

When I’m forced to face reality, i found that there are so many things that I need to do to fix my life. The amount of effort required to fix my life is scary. My fears and sorrows add additional weight to it. But i do need to move and get things done. No matter how big a mountain it is, i still have to move it one thing at a time.

And then the lengthy nights that don’t end. They don’t help with the cause at all and I ended up watching shows until late in the morning which causes unhealthy eating and late arrivals at office. It is a vicious cycle. I need to break it somewhere.

Day 178 – update – Fri Dec 8

Junk – Yes

Too much screen time – Yes

Work – not so much

Reading – None

Planning for tomorrow – Yet to do

So far, a disaster followed by a visit from him that added a rotten cherry to an already disastrous cake. Whenever he meets me, it disturbs me to the core and results in binge eating and binge watching phenomena as it did today!

But the only good thing is, i logged it all down and still not losing hope and made a visit to the doctor thereby taking a step towards my better health.