I am just 23 and in the next 6 months i’ll turn 24.
The point here is, i still donn have any serious aims for my life. I donno the direction in which my life’s travelling. I never had the real control on my life. I just went in a way it took me. More than life, it is my parents who took the major decisions of my life. And may be it is because of them that i am here. It may be true that i am a 23 year old girl financing myself and all this self sufficiency is due to my parents and i very much love the concept that i am not dependent on my parents anymore.
But looking deep into my heart, thinking with my brain, where do i see myself? How do i look to me? Am i satisfied with my image over there? Is that what i wanted to become?
I see myself in a stupid job where i am just a machine to work. The only difference is that they need my brain too. I say the job stupid because i hate it desperately. Though people around me think that i am good at my work, i always know this fear of failure lurking around in the corners of my heart. If you know how this fear is like, then you would know how hard it is to have that feeling and smile at people who praise you. May be, i have set my standards too high which is why i feel so. I am not even sure if it was me or others who set those standards for me through their words and praises.
I see myself as a girl desperately trying to fullfill my projects all the while bearing the whole burden of expectations lying around. I look burdened & depressed and im clever enough to know that i am not at all happy doing this work. And, NO, i am not satisfied with my current state be it either my physical state at work or my mental state of mind. I know i could not take all these pressures anymore. And i am pretty sure that this is not what i wanted to become. This is not what i wished for.
I just want to do something that i am happy with. And i really donno what it is. Thinking of things that i love to do..i remember reading this quote somewhere, “Born to read & Forced to work”. And i get a smile on my face as that is my exact position. I never get bored reading all day. And there are days, when i continued reading all night untill dawn. Wish there was a career in reading. I could have done that happily all my life.
Ohk. I know, i am getting diverted from the topic. But thats forgivable as it is the only significant characteristic of my life other than being confused. 🙂
When i think about all these things, this idea falshes in my mind. Why not take a diversion. I mean, why not think about doing something else. Like, studying more, going to college again, increasing my qualifications, or doing a new course.
I always have this E-Marketing in mind . But heard that it is too competetive with very less chances to succeed. Still, i want to try it for once. There’s nothing to loose.
I always had this passion for cooking & learning new things. I can try joining a course which adds some spice to my life.
All my college life, i had this dream about learning a new language but never went for it seriously. I should seriously aim for this one. This would give me a lot of satisfaction. I know this for sure.
Physically, I always consider myself as an unfit or should i say fat person. I am aiming for a smaller version of me. This is the biggest wish of my life since my 12th class(thats when i turned to fat from fit!). To tell you, ive already started this. Donno, where the inspiration is from!! Could not be more happy if i continue doing my workouts and yoga for a year.
And finally, the biggest one of all. I want to study more. I have not planned out everything for this one but i will be ready with a proper plan very soon. For now i just have these 2 things in mind. Either going for a full-time mangement degree or doing any particular management course that i find useful and interesting. Either ways, it is not going to be an easy task. If i go with the first option, i may need to appear for CAT exam this november which means a lot of study to do. It is the same case with the second one too.
And to do all these, i need to do this BIG thing FIRST.
I should start detaching my brain from office pressures. My aim is just to survive not to overachieve. And if that meant some failures in the path, i am totally ok with it. But i should never let my job make me unhappy or stressed. I need to be clear to people of what i can achieve and what i cannot. I will just try to do my best and leave the rest. As the Lord said, “Do your work and never worry about the result”. This will be my biggest goal starting from now.
Finally, one may wonder about my intentions in writing all these things over here. The only reason is that, i wanted to declare to the world that i strongly need a change. And i will be doing my best to get it. I cannot talk all this thing to any living person in face. I need a strong medium as my listener and my witness. I very much love this blog and after writing it over here, i am sure i will not be retreating without achieving this. Atleast, my conscience would never let me leave without doing the task. And i just wish GOD to be my strong faith and pillar of support throughout my journey and to never let me breakdown. Even if i do, to help me in pacing up again.
And so, thats it. Thanks for bearing with me and my too long post.
Will be writing detailed updates on everything i achieve and could not achieve. Wish me good luck.
Keep Smiling & With lots of love. Sahasra.
journeyofmythoughts 