Friends (or Not!)

It feels so freaking hard to be the big one in any relationship. Hell, it doesn’t even need to be a relationship and just to be the bigger one among two people, is just freaking crazy and hard. It feels so unfair that everyone else plays a game and you just have to be a part of it and still somehow manage to not hurt anyone.
When you consider people your friends and they aren’t. When you think of them as your friends and share with them the most beautiful and some silly moments of your life and all they do is delete you from their accounts and treat you like trash. They don’t even think that you are worthy enough to know the biggest things happening in their lives and there you are crazy about them, adoring and respecting them when they had nothing in return.
And yet, somehow you manage to get past all of those feelings and give them a smile and wave, only to never ever hear from them again. It makes me feel like an idiot for trying to cherish a friendship that only existed in my brain.
And now, like nothing happened, when they want to play catch up, you are supposed to warm up your smile and just be happy that they remembered you? I know, no bridges were burnt, but does that mean everything is okay? Definitely no.
I have to stay on the ground this time and not on the clouds where years of laughs and friendly conversations disappear into nothing but air after someone decides that it is time to leave or they think I do not add anything to their power game. Just  a little fly that I am!

And all of this is about one of the most respected person in my life who I no longer is in touch with. In the process of ranting, I didn’t even realize when I started moving from a second person narrative to the first. AH this is for/about you.

When heart breaks

How does that sound? How does it feel to be heart broken? Will you ever be able to recuperate from it fully? Is gathering those pieces easy or is it totally impossible?

Like scars of battle, maybe it scars your heart forever and even long after you’ve moved on, it aches when that memory strikes.

What was I thinking? That you will never move on! I clearly know that this is bound to happen. With the kind of family you had, I thought it would happen long ago. But no, you had to wait all these years only to make me feel sorry for the decisions i made and regret my choices.

I know, they are my decisions and my choices. I most likely scarred a second life. I am unworthy of the word called love and kindness. The moment i think that i have seen the depths of my selfishness and there’s no more left, I do something and i myself end up getting surprised of how many more tunnels i have into my selfish pit.

The only solace is that you’re moving on and being the kind of person that you are, I’m sure you will be happy. Thank God you aren’t stuck with a person like me. But deep within my heart,  I always knew that the day you move on is going to be the saddest day of my life and it is. 

With all my heart, I only wish the best f0r you and i hope you find peace and love in the life you’re heading towards.😇 

Love

Smoking

Do you smoke? Even for fun, have you ever smoked?

To me smoking and smokers are the only things that put me off instantly. I have a very strong sense of smell and the minute a smoker comes into my zone, I start getting irritated. I make faces and then straightaway ask them in face of they smoke. Usually I am a very humble and thoughtful person who is considerate of others feelings. But this one thing makes me forego all my manners and shows the rude and bitchy side of me even to complete strangers.

The other day it was a colleague who had to face my wrath. I now seriously wonder if he thinks I’m the crazy girl who cannot mind her business. He is a nice guy but somehow rubs off everyone the wrong way and people are a little bit harsh to him and are very quick to judge him. Though i defend him when others start bashing about him, i think i let all those words get the best of me and judged him too harshly in the first instance.

He said he started smoking as a way to show solidarity with a friend who was depressed and lost someone recently. Now he smokes 5 cigarettes per day and he thinks it is okay. Ever since i lashed at him, i keep wondering if it was his foolish love for smoking that annoys me or people’s words that entered my brain and made me act so childish.

Either way it is smoke from cigarette or from people’s nasty thoughts that clouded my judgement that I now regret. I should’ve known better. Today I make a promise that no matter what others say, i will never let their shady words cloud my judgement or my actions and I promise to be kind to myself and to others as well no matter what their habits are.

Anyways, take care guys.

Love, Sahasra

Open

It is an amazing thing how human body works. It is built to sustain adverse conditions, recovers and heals itself from injuries, finds ways to protect itself from the defects we are born with. Not even at the entire body level, each and every cell and nerve of our body acts this way. They protect themselves from anything different anything exterior and anything out of the ordinary. I recently managed to cut myself and having no experience in deep cutswas almost clueless at the almost 2 inch cut right below my thumb and it bled as if it would never stop. It took almost 2 weeks to completely heal and almost convinced me to think that i lost my finger to an infected injury which now seems so silly looking at the way the skin around the injury nicely patched the injury and covered it up.

I was actually reading this book “Open”, the autobiography of the Tennis Star Andre Agassi. I’m just a few pages into it and he’s making me think. I consider such books as the good ones as anything that makes me pause, think, and act.

It is surprising to know that he hated Tennis from a young age Nd he had physical conditions that never allowed him to walk normally and all his life, he not only fought his opponents but also his mind, body and heart. Such a conflict his life is. I didn’t complete the book yet. It is going to take me a while considering the hectic schedule I’m living and I hope i can complete it and do a review too.

By the way, do you know what to do when you had a deep cut on your hands or anywhere with a kitchen knife? I read so much about it in the past few weeks that you can consider me an expert. I give all the credit to my super sharp and expensive kitchen knife for the injury and google for the recovery. Read it up once if you got time. It is better to do that before cutting ourself rather than after! Anyways, i now know the guilt free way to quit cooking for a week. 😃

Take care ppl. Happy cooking during the festival season.

Love, Sahasra