Larry Crowne ;; An attempt

Not a Review :: Just an attempt at recollecting the so many thoughts revolving in my head post the movie.

For the past couple of years, I have been watching content without a break. It is nothing but continuous consumption, day in and day out. If I am not watching something, I’m either sleeping or eating or doing chores at home. That’s how much content I have been consuming and my screen time scores are through the roof. It is a lot of input for my brain without any outlet of any sort. No wonder I feel that my brain has been rotting away. There’s very little of processing that I’ve been doing. I just move on from one movie to another, from one series to another, season after season, I just consume content. And I do not have any language bias as well, thanks to subtitles. With the variety of content and streaming sites available these days, I’ve come a long way from the days of torrents, overnight downloads and gigabytes of content stored on hard disks. At least in those days, I used to be selective and choosy about the type of content I used to watch. But these days, it is merely a choice from the algorithm recommended items.

As I went mute (by choice unless mandatory) on my personal / real life, I wonder if I still have the capability to voice out my opinions on stuff that I so religiously watch. And to be able to do that, I need to put a halt on the consumption, take a break, and then process whatever I watch, assess my feeling and then attempt to get them out. And this is one such an attempt and I hope to get through this. I’ve watched 2 movies today and one of them was a repeat that I watch whenever life seems bleak, restless and meaningless.

The other one is Larry Crowne that I fished among a tonne of choices and what attracted me to Larry Crowne is that he is a middle aged man who is recently unemployed and is going back to college for a degree. Like a moth to a fire, I was just hooked. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts are such actors that one forgets that it is all an act and we just see the life of these people unfolding before us. And what an amazing supporting cast, even if it is just or a scene or two, they are all just so memorable and eye catching that we only see their act, not the charismatic people they are in real life. It was always a pleasure when one gets to watch such stories on screen.

Larry Crowne loses his job in the first few minutes of the movie and it is all about how he managed after that. I’m neither middle aged, nor have ever experienced job loss. And yet, the idea about a seemingly lone man trying to put his life back together and attempting to go to college, intrigued me, a single woman in her early thirties, on a career break through one of the worst economic times of my life. I’ve been living on my savings for the past couple of years and have been slowly dipping into my investments as well but have never experienced financial hardships. And with all the money that I earned over the decade I worked, I was always an active investor and I thought financial literacy is something I am well versed with. Turns out, I know how to invest the money I earn but never actually understood the concepts of finance or economics in their true sense. Econ 101 is one of the three classes that Larry Crowne takes up at the community college and it made me wonder why I never bothered to actually learn about economics when that is a very huge part of my life in terms of my interests. Managing money came naturally to me when people actually struggle with it despite all the efforts they put it. Why not learn do it properly then? Maybe, my interest may pan out into something useful. I need to explore this option a bit further and see where it leads me.

One other course that Larry Crowne takes is Speech. The movie covers a few tactics of the class and it made me wonder if I still retain my speaking abilities. I used to excel at speech despite how much it tensed me out. I used to over prepare like crazy to overcome my fears and it usually worked. Talking / Speaking / Handling meetings at work, was always easy as it required knowledge of the subject and hardworking & relentless training and prep helped me through. What has and still is a difficult thing is to talk to people, to make small talk, to make people smile and to show my sincerity in my words. Being good with English has always helped me overcome or coverup a lot of my shortcomings, and yet, I’m never confident about English as it isn’t my first language and I do not have enough practice in the language. The only modes of contact were movies, tv shows, content I write or read, and some rare conversations with friends abroad. I need to take the English exam sometime soon and I hope to build up some confidence to ace the test once again. I need to find a way again, to get back on track.

Oh and oh, the many thoughts that ripple through my brain as I watched the movie, and they stayed with me long after the movie ended. The kind of life I led, the kind of life I lead now, and the kind I want, each are so different and have nothing in common whatsoever. I somehow took a huge leap of faith and got from then to now, and how do I get from now to there?.. I keep wondering. The past is interesting as it always has a foot in the current and the future. We just have to make some sense out of the countless moments and memories that we have lived through. And sometimes, it is just about living in the moment and navigating life as it goes. I’m kinda doing a mix of both and this is just a means to vent.

Looking back at the film, not only did it make me rethink about many of my life choices but also reminded me of certain times in life when I was fairly successful but directionless, of the times when I had a plan but sometimes did not follow up on, of the times when I had dreams and then of the times when I had no will or desire to be or do anything. The not being happy in the career that she had no choice but to take up, the lack of motivation that resulted from a dry spell of students, the stagnation and repulsiveness generated from an unhappy personal life, a moment to ponder about addictions, and how I was almost in the same situation as Larry, a pale, no strings attached person in America. My only real burdens are my lack of motivation and will to do/be better. Life is exhausting, but that’s the beauty of life. To find some meaning in the boredom of living. Maybe, I’ll get there someday and look back on this and say, well, that movie is some food for thought.

And on a lighter note, if a bankrupt, jobless, degree less, middle aged man like Larry can get a partner like Mercedes, then there must be some hope for me too. πŸ˜› πŸ™‚

I’m actually tired and have no further energy or brains to ponder further and hence ending it at this moment. Maybe, that’s all I can process at this moment. And this, is my attempt at getting back to writing and penning down some of my many random thoughts that might help me slow down a bit and have an outlet for my ever consuming brain.


.. Sahasra


What changed.. #1

I went home for Deepawali and is returning tonight. Strangely, this wasn’t just another long haul. The stay has been different and my feelings while returning were also different. I wonder what changed and how it all cane to happen. Was my month long stay at my place that effective and impactful? I keep thinking about how everything is different this time and how I need to note it all down so that I do not forget any of it. Hence the attempt and since not everything comes to be at once, I’ll compile it all as my memory serves me.

What changed while returning? .. It’d be easier to write this up as this is a pretty fresh memory now. Usually when I return, I’d be exhausted and would be very eager to leave. And this time, I am eager to leave, but not coz I’m exhausted or cause I want to run away to protect my sanity. It is cause, I deeply feel the need to fix myself, my body, my mind and I feel the need do something of myself again. I feel sad to leave home, which isn’t unusual, but the reasons behind that sadness vary this time. I usually would be sad because I’d be missing my stay, my parents and also because I’d be a little scared thinking of what the future holds in it for me. But this time, while I have hopes and dreams for my unknown future, I feel sad to leave my parents behind when I very well know how much they need me/us and how proud they are to ask me to stay back for their own needs. Even on my worst days, there’d always be something that I could do for them. The thought of how much I can make their lives better just by staying with them makes me really sad to leave them and go on with my journey.

Despite this sadness, and these feelings, I still felt the need to leave because no matter how I see it, I desperately see the need to fix myself and be a better person in terms of physical & mental health, financially and career in wise as well. I realised that I can be of any real use to them, only when I’m up and running instead of the current lazy & sulky monster who either binges or sleeps in throughout the day. I see how money is a good motivator to me and how it can make their lives a lot more comfortable than what they can currently afford.

I keep going back to this thought of how all the money I left behind to have this freedom in life, could have made their lives a lot more comfortable and easy, if only had I tried to endure a bit more. I know I did what’s roght by me, even though that meant losing out on a lot of money, but never once did I regret that choice for myself. It is only when it came down to parents, I feel that tiny bits of regret flaring up.

And since I very well know that regrets mean nothing unless there’s proactive action to undo the damage, I want to go back and find some meaning that I desperately need.

Some feelings .. #1

Someone who’s very affectionate and who expresses their affection towards me. I love holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and someone affectionately holding my face and kissing me. That’s what I’ve come to realise as some of my needs. It must be the physical affection that I was deprived of since childhood that makes me crave for it, but if I ever have a partner again, this is something that I want/need.

More than anything, I want to be with a kind, caring, affectionate and compassionate person who demonstrates his feelings towards me, in some words and a lot of actions. There used to a time when intelligence attracted me but now, I’m more into kind people. Intelligent people still attract me but I often found out that most brainy people are arrogant. I later on realised that my type is emotionally intelligent, not just worldly intelligent who can earn money. It’s heart over brain for me and I heart feelings now πŸ«€πŸ₯΄.

This is no random post, this is something that I have always thought about on what I want or need from a partner. I just never had this level of clarity.

I now know that money, I can earn as much as I need and I can live with whatever I have without any regrets. And I’m getting there about not considering the physical attributes as some priority, but the qualities mentioned earlier, are a must and there’s no compromise there.

I’m just okay and good being on my own, living by myself and loving myself as much as I need, but if I ever find someone attractive enough to share this life with or carve some life together, then this would be my most important criteria.

Saying again, this is just my own monologue, something clicked in my head while doing something and realised that I’ll lose this if I didn’t pen it down now. I wanted to create a draft of it, but somehow I’m now convinced that this could be a post as well. So, that’s it πŸ‘»πŸ€.

I hope you’re all doing well and surviving this life in whichever way you can. Whatever the situation is, just take a breathe and live this minute, we can think about the next minute when we get there.. just live this minute in peace. That’s how I’m surviving.

Love, S

Blast from the past ….

Sometimes, I’m all well and sometimes I’m not, just like everyone else out there.

But at times, it is just difficult to be. And this is a picture of a note from a time when it was just unbearable, yet still the beginning of a long road of pain. I didn’t know of it then but writing down how I felt, sometimes helped.

So when it hurts like hell, find a vent… In whatever form you’d like it to be.

Just vent it all out and lighten your heart. πŸ–€πŸ–€

06 21 .. going into 07 21


More updates: Read none; Watched a tonne; Zero on income and Zero on any progress on professional front; all available energy is spent on chores, cooking and eating; only thing that seems to interest me is binge watching and that too only since it doesn’t require me to get out of my bed!

And also, I have so many unused old diaries and so I decided to use them for all my journaling instead of buying new ones. Hence the July 2019 on the page.

Danke 😁😎.. see you again sometime later πŸ§πŸ–€πŸ€.

Expectations & Trials to not live up to them!..

All my life I have been burdened by expectations others had on me. I have either tried to live up to them OR ran away at the first chance I got. That’s the case with many but for me somehow, my life was/is defined by these attempts. Now, I seem to be facing a new version of this problem.

The expectations that I lived up to or tried my best to do so are those of my parents and those that came along with my job. I have been the proud daughter of my parents for a long long time, thanks to all that effort, whenever I took a turn that might lead to disappointment for them, I quickly changed course and was always successful to turn the tide. I did the same thing with my job. I worked extra hard than everyone else, to be the best. I know that though I may not be the most intelligent person in the room, I can always be the most hard working person and that it would almost always pay off. And owing it to my luck, my hard work have always paid off. Whenever I felt like I was lacking or getting complacent, I doubled down on my effort, learnt new things and bounced back to takeover the best spot. This attitude have always rewarded me with the best and made me confident about myself.

It also makes sense that at work, my value is determined by how well I perform or how good my results are. One thing I never understood is the feeling that I get/used to get at home. I felt as if our bests are appreciated and our worsts are mourned. I never get this. Isn’t the love of parents supposed to be unconditional? Shouldn’t they love us inspite and despite all our failures and disappointments? I know they love me, but why do I feel the disappointment they see in me, so strongly when I fail? Why do I have to live up to my parents expectations of what I am or what I can be! Just so that they’ll love me more? That’s crazy!..

I broke this chain of not disappointing them, when I decided to get a divorce. And I continue to do so by not giving up to their wish/demand to get married again, by leaving my longtime job, by not making any sensible choice ever since. I may continue to do so hereon, but the guilt of doing so and hurting them in the process, coexists. But the point is, I broke the chain and freed myself up.

The other scenario where I ran away from expectations, is/was with my relationships Aka romantic interests. I have been in a couple of serious relationships and a few more minor crush/not serious equations. Now that I recall how they went down, every single time, it is the same story. I got scared of the expectations they had from me and I ran away at the first chance I got. I hurt everyone in the process, including me.

No, I’m not regretting my choices. Given a chance, I may have tried to make my executions painless, but I’d act in similar fashion if placed in same situations. The one thing that I’m trying to understand from this case is, why do I get scared of expectations!.. Would it have been different if I put forth my limits first, thereby limiting the range of expectations they have or might have of me? OR maybe if I had done that, there wouldn’t be any relationships in the first place. Also, some limits are only understood when you are in the game. And I know what they say, open communication is the key to successful relationships. Then the question might be this, “why do I let myself get so affected by someone else’s expectations!.. it should be their problem to deal with and not mine”

I’m so closed in many ways that I don’t know how to open up and talk about this stuff in relationships. Anyways, this isn’t my biggest problem today and can always be revisited if and when I get into this mess again, which by the way is a long shot anyways.

Today’s problem is with the expectations I seem to have about myself. How do I live up to those? There’s no option to run away from myself!

At the moment, I’m doing nothing, out of fear of failing at what I may do! Which means I’m in the flight mode already and cannot be this way any longer. How do I get out of this rut and convince myself that no-game is equivalent to failure? How do I pick myself up and gather the courage to do something again? These expectations that I’m so afraid of, are these even mine? Do I have to succeed at everything I do? Can i not be a failure who failed trying instead of being the failure who never tried?

There must be a way to pick up the pieces and walk ahead. Life is about living and not just idling it away in the fear of failure. Haven’t I lived long and safe enough to risk it all atleast once? Why do I need to repeat the same mistakes of my parents. Let’s make new ones. Let’s risk it all.

I should learn not to measure my worth in terms of my expectations and achievements. I should measure myself in the efforts and hardwork I put in, on the path I paved for myself. Just like how I wanted my parents to love me despite my failures, and how I thought to not care about someone’s else’s expectations of me, I should do apply the same rules of love and ignoring expectations to myself.

Results are dependent on ten thousand things, while as efforts can be completely mine to own. To break the barrier of expectations and to set out, to achieve the frontiers I’ve never even dared to envision, should be my Moto.

😁.. it’s true what the saints say about us humans, listen to yourself, look carefully at yourself, you’ll have the answers that you’ve been searching for all along, within you.


P.S: This is a post about myself written for me, like most of the posts on my blog are. Despite that, if you have managed to read this long story, thank you for walking through the realms of my mind. I understand that it can be tiring and so, I’m always grateful to people who try to peek into my brain & soul.

Let me tell you a secret now. Classic editor seems to appear by default when you type from your mobile app. Well, I can live with that for now!