I am running away from reality. As if that ever solved any problem! I’m lost and don’t know where I stand anymore. I see that there is no one that I can really talk to. I sometimes wonder, how did i put myself here in the first place? I thought I knew everything there’s to know. How more foolish can i be.
Sometimes, I lose hope. Those were the most difficult moments. Very recently, I have managed to convince myself that this life isn’t worth living. I have no clue how i snapped out of that moment. Now, i wish for something terrible to happen to me so that every thing comes to an end. Maybe, it is still humane to wish bad for yourself rather than wishing ill for others.
At times, I wonder about all those dreams and hopes i had for my life, like the things i wanted to do, the places i wanted to visit, the people i wanted to meet & the life i wanted to lead.Weren’t they important to me anymore as they used to be? Or did my despair kill my dreams? It feels as if they were dreams and things wished in a different life. None of them sound achievable anymore.
I know I’m dropping into this abyss and can ask no one for help. How can i? I sometimes feel that I’m the only one responsible for all of this. I have also been reading a lot lately about narcissistic people and their traits. It feels as if i am one who is never happy for myself or others. I feel like a villain myself. And then i keep wondering how much of all these thoughts are true. Am i really that bad a person? I hope I’m wrong. I love myself but i love people too. I have compassion. How can i be a narcissist? I don’t know if i make any sense. But i cannot have these in my mind anymore and have to get them out of my mind.
I wish i can get my brain to stop producing thoughts for a while, so that I can get some processing done. Sorry for the long rant.
From IHM’s Blog,
There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you–just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.
Not my words, but they are words that are resonating my current thoughts. Couldn’t frame them any better and so copying them over here as a reminder to myself.
You ask me why i spend so much on you when my finances are so tight.
How do i explain you my heart. Spending money on you and on our parents is the only guilt free way for me to shop. I cannot explain you the immense satisfaction i derive from that. While me being able to give back to maa & paa gives me a wonderful kick, being able to do something for you makes me feel like I’ve done something in life. Like, i have achieved something.
Or maybe it was just me. Growing up, you know how much i wished i had some elder brother or sister who took care of me and did things for me. I know how you tried to make up for that gap and how much you adore and love me.You are the onlt one in my life that i can show my weaknesses to. You know how vulnerable i am and how easy it is to break me. You know that behind this big body and who cares attitude, there is this fragile girl who breaks down to pieces so easily. You help me deal with the mess i am and more than that, you love me unconditionally and are my best friend i never had.You understand me down to the core and stood by me no matter what. I know we have our own meltdowns and crazy fights, but that was us being us. I’m happy we are normal that way.
And to such you, doing these little silly things is nothing but pleasure and pure joy to me. To see you grow up into this strong, amazing woman is as is wonderful. And to be able to add up some value to that process will be my biggest achievement.
For giving me that pleasure and for being the person you are, i owe you a big thank you. I’m sure one day you’ll get this letter and i hope you keep loving me then as much as you do now.
Love, Sahasra 💞
There are very few songs that stir our hearts and make us feel like falling from a cliff or a plane(in slow motion huh). It was that feeling or rush you get when you hear a river or stream flowing in the middle of the night, or the sight of full moon on a calm night, it is the kick an alarming silence gives to an introvert, it is that kind of weird and happy thing.
Link to “Taanu Nenu”.
And this song gives me all of that. Though i like Rehman’s music, I was never a big fan. But this song wants me to be one. This song, leaves me with a heavy heart, leaves me with a pain or whatever that feeling is, that my words cannot describe properly. It feels as if my soul is responding to it. It makes me enjoy all the other songs in the album. The vibe gets carried onto them as well.
Maybe, it is the lyrics or maybe it is the soulful music or maybe it is the voice of the singer and the appeal in it that touched the chords within. I just Love the lyrics, love the music, and love the voice. Maybe, it was the wish deep down in my heart for a stable and happy relationship that is making me go crazy about this song. Makes me wonder, am i living more in my imaginary life instead of living in the real one? Have no clue what my brain and heart are made of.
Whatever it is, i know that it is really wonderful to be able to enjoy little things like this. So, let’s enjoy the good things of life and leave the rest. 😕😊
How on earth do you develop an emotional and physical bond with a man who is your husband but not yet the love of your life? I know it sounds crazy.
Physical bond is still an easy thing. All you need is some comfort zone and lust. But what about emotional bonds. How do you create those. I know, many disagree. But to me, physical relationship doesn’t have much importance when compared to the emotional one.
Don’t mistake me for a saint, for I’m definitely not one. I enjoy sex as much as every other person on this planet does. But to me, it wasn’t any life and death issue. Or maybe until i properly love someone, it isn’t. But then, how do you love someone when you haven’t fallen in love with but have already married him!
I know, it was written, “Biggest Loser” on my forehead. In my society, people who think like this marry only when they fall in love and people who don’t think like this, marry someone and maybe love them later. My problem is that i belong to that rare breed who question the system after diving neck deep into it.
I know I’m lost case and no one can help me. Hopeless!
By the way, i have regretted posting about me watching Splitsvilla as if it is porn. Do you guys ever reveal such stupid things you do? And once you do, would you regret doing so? I mean revealing, not doing, silly!. Arre, i know we are all allowed to ve stupid at times, atleast in private. 😉. I was thinking about all sorts of things and ended with writing this rant because i couldn’t sleep and it’s 2:30 in the morning. You can now guess how well my goal to make a habit of sleeping early is being acheived. Yepp, I’m sleeping very early in the morning! 😡. I know, hopeless! 😊
Love, Sahasra 💞
Yepp, i shamelessly agree that i watch this show.
I know i know, in a lot ways it is demeaning, stupid, crazy, brainless and what not. But, it is also true that it is entertaining, meaningless fun, & super hot. Of all the girls from all seasons, including the hosts, the hottest girl was Sunny Leone. I have no idea what she was outside or what she really is as a person, but on the show, she is one amazing, strong and wonderful lady. She just hosted 2 seasons S7 & S8 and came back to host the current S9. She played all low key and humble on S7 but you get to see her best form in S8.
While i personally loved S7, i hated S8 for many reasons. And one of those reasons was the other host Rannvijay. He is biased and 2 faced. After watching Ayushman & Nikhil host the show it is such a turn off to watch this guy. What can i say, i love Nikhil Chinnapa too much that i cannot stand anyone else.
Okay, i know you must be wondering what the hell was this all about. Yepp, coming right to the point which is, Splitsvilla S9 has started airing and i was watching the promo episodes when i came across this contestant who said, “Dil mile yaa naa mile, lekin kayi dil tootenge zaroor” which means, “you may or may not find love, but many hearts are going to break for sure”.
That made me think how true the line was. She maybe talking about the show, but in real life, that’s exactly what happens. Ultimately, you may or may not find love, but in the process, many a heart are bound to break. In life, there’s no such thing like forever. Even love isn’t forever. It takes various forms to stay forever. It is not life if there aren’t setbacks, struggles & heartbreaks. Ain’t it true? All we need to do is move forward taking care of those broken pieces until they find a way to stick together again.🙂
See, even Splitsvilla isn’t that stupid. I know how lame i sound saying this. 😜
Take care guys. Happy Sunday. 😀😉
I have been following quite a few self motivating things on pinterest lately. One if those advices from life hacks was to start doing something today and continue it for 30 days. They say that it becomes a habit. Well, I want to test that again. Again because, i know of a 30 day challenge that leaves you exhausted and tiring that you will definitely want to stop doing that on the 31st day.🙂 I’m talking about the January blogathon many of us do. Even though it was wonderful to write every single day, i cannot do that continously.
But now, i want to test that theory on a few habits. Yes, this time it is about food, todo lists, and sleeping early.
Due to budget issues, I already had to cut down eating or ordering out. So, the new food habit i wanna try this time is to eat only healthy snacks and use less oils and fattening foods in my cooking. Today, i followed it by replacing my unhealthy midnight snacks with 3 handfuls of pomegranate seeds.
Feeling pretty good about it but thinking of sleeping early tomorrow so that i don’t have midnight cravings at all. That covers my sleeping early habit. The actual resolution is to wake up early which would be impossible for me to do if i cannot sleep early. Today, it is already 3 in the morning and I’m still awake. But tomorrow i plan to sleep by 11pm. I need a miracle for this to happen. 😇 That’s a very difficult thing to do, but let’s try!
The other habit is to make lists everyday and try complete them beforw i go to bed. I wanted to make it a habit because i make lists on all the good days and never bother to do so on a bad day. I wanted to change this habit as i tend to be pretty successful with lists on. I’m this scatter brained and forgetful that lists always come to my rescue. So, starting now, I’m gonna make lists everyday for the next 30 days for anything that’s even remotely important.
Sorry for boring you guys with these silly things. But i got no other option. This blog is my safest yet strictest journal buddy and I’m answerable to it. So, let’s see of i succeed the challenge or fail miserably. It was 12th June and i will have to follow these 3 rules for the next 30 days. I.e. till 12th of July.