Midnight Musings

Aadhi raat ki khushi aur khamoshi dono bardasht ke bahir hote hai..

Have you ever felt the beauty of night fall? I’ve always loved nights more than the day. It has always been in conflict with my love for early mornings. But it is the same bind that makes me love these two. The silence and peace in these moments is what makes them precious. 

Since childhood, I was accustomed to waking up early, as early as 4 am in the morning and waiting for the newspaper boy to come in. It is strange that I never romanticised the paper boy given the fact that there were so many days and countless lone interactions. I guess they were busy and I, naive and still innocent. But as life happened, school paved way to college and then to work. 

It was only when work got hectic and life got serious, I started to realise the beauty of night, the peace and silence of it all. Those empty and silent moments when everything goes numb and everyone shuts up. It was that time of the day when I could hear myself loud and clear. No amount of stress from work could hinder my newfound joy. It is a different story that it did have an impact on my day life as I ended up sleepless and restless. But I managed it all with coffee and coke! I was fine despite everything that’s been happening in my life.

It is in these rare moments that I miss having a partner. One such moment is now. It is true that I’m scared of sharing my precious little thing with anyone. But it is also true that I’m equally scared of not being able to share this pure joy of mine with anyone else. Very rarely, but yes, I want to share these minute miracles with someone who cares. It does make me wonder, if I will ever be able to love someone enough to want to live a life together, to want to give up my personal space for a merged togetherness, to want to tolerate the little misgivings and irritables! Will I ever be able to give up a bit of myself and make room for someone else in my life and take up similar space in theirs? How much of self-love is okay and how much is too much?

Well, I do not have any answers and I do not have any conclusion to this post. These are just midnight musings and I’m not even equipped with the brain capacity to think any bit more. But on a day or night when I have the answers and energy, you’ll be the first to know. 

Let the moon shine brightly and smile sweetly at you. May you all find peace and quiet these nights have to offer. 

Take care and sleep tight.

Thinking Glasses

Have been thinking a lot lately on what I want to do with my life.

What is it that I love to do for the rest of my life?

Earlier, whenever I posed this question to myself, I always thought that I’d be fine even if it is something that doesn’t pay me much or give me fame, and I’d be really grateful as long as it just something I enjoy doing and if it is something that makes me happy. Now, I realise it is really difficult to find something as such.

I’m 31 now and will turn 32 in 6 months. I spent two decades in school and college and one more decade doing my first job. Now that I finally took the leap and had time for myself for the first time in a decade, i keep thinking all sorts of things.

Should I wait until I figure out what I really love doing OR should I just go with the flow and start something afresh and figure out what I love in the course of life.

At times while I do feel the urgency to figure out something for myself soon, there’s also a thought in some moments, that I’m in no rush and I should take my time figuring out what makes me feel alive and where my happiness is.

As of now, all I know is that whatever I do, I give my best, I give it my all and I’ll succeed in anything life throws at me, no matter what it is. I have that confidence in me. What I don’t know is, if I’ll love what life has thrown at me or will I just continue to do it for the sake of survival?

At this point in life I do not have many responsibilities. Be it financially or emotionally or any way other. I’m relatively free to make any choice that I wish to make. So is it wise to wait or should I make some choice now and go with whatever plans I made for myself? It’s not like i have traditional plans of getting married and having kids. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want. But just because I have time and have no responsibilities whatsoever, should I just go with the flow and live my life just the same way I’ve lived for the past decade?

There’s one thing that’s different now from earlier. The burden of expectations from family and society to prove myself, to make a family for myself and settle down, doesn’t exist now. Even if I go down the same route as before, would the end result still be the same when all the critical variables have changed!?

By the way, it is so much fun not to think about anything serious and just enjoy my days doing nothing. All I’m doing these days is eating, reading, watching dramas and doing minor chores. I’m also scared that I’ll get used to this life and give up on everything 😅..

Whew!… How do I conclude!?

Hidden

These days, I feel hidden all the time.

And I have no one but me to blame for this situation of mine. In an attempt to avoid facing stupid questions about my divorce, I started avoiding people.
In the beginning, I avoided those questions because it was too painful to answer them. And then it was comfortable not to have to provide explanations to anyone.
Now, it is a pleasure to not to deal with anyone whether the question is about divorce or not. I found pleasure in not having to respond and in not reacting to anyone and worse, I now realize the peace in being alone and stopped reaching out to people.

So what started out as self preservation ended up being the most selfish choice I continue to make for myself.

Now, no matter who it is or what it is about, I have no interest in making small conversations with people. I have no interest in socializing. Sadly, I find pleasure in being the loner. I hope I don’t turn into a psychopath!

However, there are a few byproducts of this scenario that keep troubling me.

  1. I find no interest in expressing myself. Be it verbal or nonverbal. As a result I couldn’t write as I used to and feel like my skill got a little rusty.
  2. More than that, it made me super lazy. I have no motivation to go out, do things for myself, clean-up the house or even my brain. I’ve turned my house and my brain into dustbins.
  3. I don’t even feel like talking to my friends and family too. Silence seems to work really well for my lazy brain.
  4. Worst of all, whenever I get sick, I end up having troubled thoughts about things I’m not yet ready for and it gets really difficult to handle myself during and post the scene or mental state.
  5. Screen Addiction: With nothing better to do, I’m addicted to all sorts of screens and watching everything under the sun,.. rusting my brain even further.
  6. I just cannot seem to bring myself to read anything even if my life depends on it. This is something I cannot digest myself but it has everything to do with screen addiction.
  7. And finally, no worry or effort of any sort for or towards my future plans. This sometimes scares me.

So yeah, here I am,.. just trying to rant away all these thoughts running wild in my head so that I know what’s happening with me and if I can still be saved.

Hello There!

I know we all live in the same world and strangely under the same reality for the first time ever.

And I also know that it has been a long time since I posted anything here. But if you know anything about writing, you know how it is. You can only write when the mind wants to write. There is no forcing it or marching ahead no matter what. There is no other way around making one’s brain to write. So, it is the same case with me. Life got to me and I have been busy and with no space left in my brain to gather enough energy to write.

But I know I cannot stay away from this little space of mine forever and hence, here I am. So, whoever knows me, here’s a quick update and will get into the details of what all has been happening later.

I have been well and I hope you are all well and doing whatever is best for you in this situation.

Since I live in the capital city of a southern state of India and work in IT, I have been faring relatively well compared to the general population of the world. And I know that I shouldn’t complain, but I have worked 3 times more in the last 2 months than the entire Q4 of 2019-20. Partly because Q4 is usually filled with a lot of holidays and Corona has led to a lot more additional insecurity related to the Job resulting in me working harder than required. And since the last week, I have started going back to work after a long work from home period. It is not a choice and it could have been completely avoided for at least a couple more months but what can I do, I was asked to come back to the office and obliged after stalling it for 3 weeks. So, that’s that.

And before Coronavirus started its invasion, I was spending days miserably at work every day, just surviving week after week and filling weekends with endless chores and silently waiting for my bank balances to rise enough to help me make a move for my Melbourne plans. In a way, Coronavirus saved me from my depressing office setting. I wish I get to work from home for a couple more months. My productivity hit peaks during the last 2 months. I wish someone notices that and asks me to work from home for the rest of my life 😛  And my finances are a bit better now, with me reaching a break-even point in terms of expenses vs savings enough to survive me for a couple of years abroad. But now that we have new health scenarios in the picture, I realised that I also need to plan for health emergencies both for me and my family. It will be a few more months of toiling but I’m sure I can tolerate this job and frankly, I don’t have a lot of choices, with or without the world being this way.

And after surviving anonymity for a decade, I made a mistake last week of linking my newly created Instagram account for the blog with my personal account and it sent out notifications to everyone on my contact list. This stress caused due to this is equivalent to that of a heart attack and somehow I survived it by making the blog private for a while and deleting the said Instagram account.

To all my friends in this sphere, I hope you all are doing well in your lives and not hit by the covid19 pandemic. I would love to know that you are doing okay. Please stop by if you have a minute and drop me an email if you just want someone to talk to.

Love, Sahasra.

 

Rippling thoughts

Never in my life have I thought that I’ll be able to do casual talk with him. Life is weird in every possible way. It takes so many turns and sometimes leaves us on roads that one never expects to be on.

I miss him. From the way I scanned across the coach to the way I got angry at him for not coming up to me to say hi, it is clear to me that I miss him. However, what is still not clear is that, do I miss that friend of mine who is always in my heart OR do I miss his love and affection OR do I just miss talking to someone with no expectations attached. I wish there were simple answers. But given the way life turned around me, I’m sure that in time, I’ll definitely know what these weird feelings are all about.

This thought keep popping up more often these days when I think of him. That I miss and love him like the best friend he always was to me. My feelings for him were not the romantic kind because I never had those butterflies or the never ending love he had for me for years. How do I explain his affection for me now? After all that happened between us and after I continuously and consistently said NO to him for years, if not friendship, what is that we still have for each other.. OR am I just trying to console my heart that he was never yours and will never be.

Oh the lines, why are you so blurred that one cannot define something clearly. Did I cross any lines the last time we met that he was avoiding me at every chance he had. He had tonnes of opportunities and yet has been giving excuses. Maybe I’m right all along. Trust your gut and move ahead. This is just one late night phone call triggered by your sighting which wasn’t even worth meeting up in person. Don’t add too much worth to it and just continue living your miserable life as you were.

Good night.. to the flutters and hope that embraced me tonight, even if it is just for a second and as faint as the smell of grass that wavered by a gush of wind 💛💤💤💤.. and don’t forget to love yourself. If not you, who else will love you 🧡

Day #0 : 23 March 2019

You know, I really thought this would be one wonderful trip. Counting them all together, this would be my 6th international tour. Of course, like every other time, I was scared of meeting a new client and making new mistakes 😱😜. But I was still excited as this is a short trip to a new city in South Africa and I’m going to meet the client that I’ve been dealing with for the past 1 year. It is through this client that I got to know some wonderful women that I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking to and working with. Each of them so different yet so similar in their strengths. They are people I aspire to be.

And when I was in this excited but nervous as hell state of mind, just one day before Day 0, things started piling up.

First among the lot is the ticket booking process itself. This is my first time booking an international flight on my own and my priority was to comfortably reach Capetown by Sunday and rest well before getting back to work. As a result of that, I happened to choose a very pricey flight which just made me feel really guilty. It took me a while to get used to the consequences of that choice of mine where I was my main priority. It took me a day but eventually I was fine with that choice but little did I know that it was just the beginning.

The new prospective client that I was working with since a month, suddenly decided to come down to our office and finalize our POC requirements. That too at the end of the week when I’m supposed to leave. It was one hell of a Thursday with that client and it was almost half past one on Friday when we’re done preparing their solution base. By then, I had asked my boss atleast a hundred times for permission to skip the next day’s meetings and take a day off for travel preparation. He finally said yes and I was just about to leave when I happened to notice that my visa only permitted 20 days of stay in South Africa but my booking is done for 23 days. By that time, I have already done my web check-in and this news came as a rude shock. It was a struggle to get that changed to fit in my visa permitted limit. So finally after endless option evaluation, we were able to prepone the return flight. But that was at an added charge.

And after that, I thought my troubles were now over and my trip finally started. But nah, little did I know how gravely mistaken I was! After a hectic day of endless chores and tasks, I was finally at the airport at around 12:30 for a 4 am flight. For the first time in my life, I was 3.5 hours early for a flight and yet I couldn’t board it. Yeah, they said that there was some issue with the booking and my ticket had been cancelled. Yet, no one, not the airline or the travel company, no one thought of informing me. Instead, I was provided with a ticket copy and a boarding pass. Remember, I did the check-in before my 2nd disaster. My 2nd disaster is the reason to my 3rd. At the airport, while I was waiting with my loaded bags to do my check-in formalities, I was told that I had no flight to catch! The flight my office paid a bomb for, the flight I cancelled client meetings for, the flight that made me take a day off after pleading my manager for like a thousand times, the flight I spent an entire day prepping for, was just not there anymore. I was standing at that travel company kiosk waiting for the guy over the counter to talk to me and staring at the very real possibility of a trip cancellation. After 2 hours of endless discussions that seemed like forever, I was finally told that it might be their mistake and the update done to my earlier booking might have knocked off one of the connecting flights due to which my booking became kindoff useless. I was asked to wait until 3 in the morning until the flight boarding closes to confirm that there’s no seat on the plane, which turned useless. It was around 4 when the travel kiosk guy confirmed my new flight tickets late at night on the same day, some 12 hours away.

Thank god, all of this happened in my home city and I have a home to go back to after the mess. Now that I think back, it is not just the situation with the flight that made it so difficult but the entire week. It is amazing how certain days can still get on my nerves even after 9 years in this job.

So, that’s Day 0 even though I was still in India by the end of it 😁.