The arrogance of youth

I was selfish in my thought to assume that my reciprocity mattered more than your feelings. And it is also an honest truth that I thought you deserved better.

Maybe you did or maybe you didn’t, but in the end, it is me who lost the most by losing you. Where else in this world would a strange human like me find such love in return for my caring friendship. I probably would keep on thinking about this till the end of my life. And might even feel in varied ways through varied situations of life. That’s all okay too. They are all me as much as all the past versions of me who had so many conflicting thoughts about our equation. I run in circles and no wonder I keep on finding myself at this turn every now and then.

Whenever I hear a young person say that they value their feelings more and want to wait until they and some me they love instead of going for someone who love them, I’m reminded of myself and eventually of you. For a moment, I even agree with them. And then the realisation of life hits in a second, of how rare it is to find such love, to find such moments when someone actually sees you for who you are and wants you despite or with all of that.

That is also when I understand the parameters for such choices. It has to be built on friendship, care, understanding each others perspectives and valuing each other in a way that love becomes a compliment to such union and not a hindrance in the path of life. What it cannot be built on is infatuation, physical attraction and momentary liking.

Love is a complex road that can only be paved when there’s a honest foundation beneath it. I failed to recognise that your feelings were laced in with honesty and sincerity that evolved from our friendship. One friendship was real, the care and concern we felt for each other were real, as much as your feelings were. I just couldn’t realise the difference then. There’s a marriage that ended in divorce, a fleeting relationship, and a decade between us, and yet the thoughts that were just for you never went away. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what it is. Maybe, this is why I keep coming back to this juncture so often.

There were many a time when I had the chance to get back to you and everytime I choose not to, thinking you deserved better than someone who couldn’t love you back. I neither valued your feelings nor accurately guaged the intensity of mine.This is all to say that this mistake taught me one too many life lessons. The most important one of all is to be foolish in love but never arrogant. I probably would never have another chance at a love like this, but if at all it chooses to grace upon me again any form, I will do my best to not make the same mistakes.

Love heartily and live happily✨💫🩶🫡

Reading; what it means to me!

I was doom scrolling this morning and an opinion video dissing critics of smut readers pops up. I agree and believe that reading something  is better than not reading. Then this thought creeps in!

Though I do not discriminate between the types of readers, I do share the belief that reading does have a profound impact on your brain, it frames your thought and strengthens your vocabulary. Repeated reading cements the recall value of new words and it eventually brings confidence to your speech and prose. This is all that I simply know of, and research says even more on how profound ones psyche is impacted by the quality of their reading.

At this stage, I realised how damaging it must be for my brain when I abandoned reading altogether and worse when I started reading demeaning and derogatory content as a means to self-pleasure. It must have not only been such a disappointing experience for my soul but is  also a sure shot way to rot away my brain. I wouldn’t have any shame or guilt about reading erotica if that wasn’t the case.

Piece by piece, I dismantled my armour and disabled me of my one and only superpower that fed my brain and stood by me through thick and thin throughout my life. It is akin to abandoning ones best friend.

This is a reminder to me, to get back to the one ultimate act of self-love that always worked in my favour and never disappointed me. I need to do myself this huge favour again by getting back to my beloved reading and find myself in the process. And even if i don’t find myself, it would atleast enrich my soul with stories, adventures, thoughts and cultures of worlds that I could never even dream of.

I’ll have to find my way back to the part of my life that I loved once with all my heart. This is the THOUGHT.

Now, the plan of ACTION would be to follow some tough but critical  rules.

1. To find a way to pleasure myself using my imaginative brain instead of relying on brain numbing erotic writings. So, it’s either finding quality stuff or getting imaginative, to stop the brain rot from spreading any further.
2. Up my reading hours and be picky and choosy of what I read. And start writing opinion pieces and reviews of whatever I read. I do have a bullshit meter and I need to use it better to make refined choices.
3. Be consistent with my reading so that it’ll not fall off the wagon or get side-lined in the grand scheme of things plotted by life. Sure, 2 books a week sounds overkill, but one book a week is achievable and that way it’d be a minimum of 4 books a month, making it, 12 x 4 = 48 books a year. Throw in 2 more and make it 50 books a year, this specific year 2026.

So, here it is,

I PROMISE TO READ 50 BOOKS IN 2026.

AND

WRITE A PAGE ATLEAST, ABOUT MY THOUGHTS FOR IT OR HOW THE BOOK MADE ME FEEL.

4. Make a catalogue of my progress and update it at regular intervals.
5. Be picky and choosy of what and how much I Netflix or binge-watch. If I cannot reduce the time I spend on it, I can always up the quality standards of what I watch so that my brain gets something of the rot until I fix this menace of an addiction.

Then there’s ACCOUNTABILITY.

Either be accountable for yourself or find an accountability partner. Let’s think a bit more on this and circle it back again.

…