Hidden

These days, I feel hidden all the time.

And I have no one but me to blame for this situation of mine. In an attempt to avoid facing stupid questions about my divorce, I started avoiding people.
In the beginning, I avoided those questions because it was too painful to answer them. And then it was comfortable not to have to provide explanations to anyone.
Now, it is a pleasure to not to deal with anyone whether the question is about divorce or not. I found pleasure in not having to respond and in not reacting to anyone and worse, I now realize the peace in being alone and stopped reaching out to people.

So what started out as self preservation ended up being the most selfish choice I continue to make for myself.

Now, no matter who it is or what it is about, I have no interest in making small conversations with people. I have no interest in socializing. Sadly, I find pleasure in being the loner. I hope I don’t turn into a psychopath!

However, there are a few byproducts of this scenario that keep troubling me.

  1. I find no interest in expressing myself. Be it verbal or nonverbal. As a result I couldn’t write as I used to and feel like my skill got a little rusty.
  2. More than that, it made me super lazy. I have no motivation to go out, do things for myself, clean-up the house or even my brain. I’ve turned my house and my brain into dustbins.
  3. I don’t even feel like talking to my friends and family too. Silence seems to work really well for my lazy brain.
  4. Worst of all, whenever I get sick, I end up having troubled thoughts about things I’m not yet ready for and it gets really difficult to handle myself during and post the scene or mental state.
  5. Screen Addiction: With nothing better to do, I’m addicted to all sorts of screens and watching everything under the sun,.. rusting my brain even further.
  6. I just cannot seem to bring myself to read anything even if my life depends on it. This is something I cannot digest myself but it has everything to do with screen addiction.
  7. And finally, no worry or effort of any sort for or towards my future plans. This sometimes scares me.

So yeah, here I am,.. just trying to rant away all these thoughts running wild in my head so that I know what’s happening with me and if I can still be saved.

One thought on “Hidden

  1. Hi Sahasra.. sad to know that you are going through a rough patch. Try volunteering in an NGO that works with disadvantaged children/ environment conservation. It truly works wonders to mental health. Hope this helps.

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