I understand

Maybe, it is in these slow moments like these that people understand how easy it is to die.

That distance between the fan and you. That piece of cloth that binds your neck and that fan into eternity seems like your best friend. I now understand how and why it becomes so easy to die.

I always wondered about the strength of the people who take their own lives. I always thought I was a coward and could never take my own life. But it is not you that needs to be strong it is the situation that needs to be strong enough to turn your cowardice into courage.

It is in those moments when life becomes so heavy and tough to live, it is in those moments when a fast forward or full rewind is all you wish for but neither happens and you are stuck in the present, that makes death your best friend.

You absolutely don’t know what it is that awaits us on the other end. And that is when you take the plunge, a leap of faith into the unknown. I really don’t know why people use this phrase when they get into thibgs like marriage, new job etc. They aren’t unknown results in those. They can either work or do not work, unlike death, which is a perfect black hole.

And it also feels as if people think that I’m faking pain, and trying to gain sympathy when i talk about death or suicidal thoughts. No, I’m not trying to gain any sympathy. I couldn’t care less about your symapthy. I just need to leave reninders to people that on the day it happened, people wouldn’t think it is all sudden. So that tgey wouldn’t say, I thought it was all okay, i didn’t know there were such issues in her head, her committing suicide was totally unexpected, it was all too sudden and strange. I don’t want people say that.

I want them to know that I’m not okay and I did the best i can and it is only because my best isn’t enough and i couldn’t live with my best that i had to leave and disappear into the unknown.

I’m not the genius who excelled at everything i did. But I’m no normal. I’m crazy in my head. I have thoughts and feelings no one around me has. I rarely find people like me. I’m full of contradictions and complexities. I’m just me. I’m a person who is a mystery to myself. All my life, I’ve been trying to understand myself. Not that I succeeded, but i got somewhere. You can see how my brain works if you read my blog.

I now decided, the day I’m going to die, I’m going to go public and tell everyone around me of my blog. Maybe, they may understand how stupid i am and how crazy my brain works. I’m just a lost soul that craves to be understood. God help all such souls outside. I’m really sorry for being in the lives of those around me, for i have given them nothing but pain. I’m a sadness in their lives that i can never take away. Only time and distance can do that. I’m sad that my parents had me. I wish they had someone else other than me.. they wouldn’t be this unhappy.

2 thoughts on “I understand

  1. Sahasra- I can’t imagine the tough situation you are going through that surfaces such dark thoughts in your heart and mind. And I have no idea how I can make you realize that nothing is worth taking action on such thoughts. You say your parents and your sister don’t deserve this and I say that you don’t deserve that either. I am sure you have had many ups and downs in your past, I definitely have and I won’t deny that such thoughts passed my mind as well but I am glad I never took that leap because everything that flustered me then is now a vague memory. Life isn’t easy- and with this inner conflict and trauma that you are going through this seems like the only way out but it isn’t. Ignore that fan and that piece of cloth, please focus on that door. There is another way out I promise. I am so worried about you and just want you to know that even though we are two anonymous people who just know fraction of each others lives, I am here for you. I am rooting for you. I believe in your courage to fight this urge and I want to help you. I don’t know how but I want us to give it a shot. You can email me at keepcalmandjustwrite@gmail.com and share anything and everything that you want to. Please try not to think so much. I wish I could hug you real tight and assure you that things will be better.

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