Reminiscing..

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If you wanna just live, you can always live alone..
But if you wanna thrive in this world, you need friends, family, mentors and a village.
Choose what you want and then go for it.
..
Is my hesitation and inaction to make life choices about my unwillingness to be with/around people?
Haven’t I been like this since I was a kid?
Haven’t I always avoided people or dealing with people? .. why did I turn out to be that way?
And why do I get attached when I get attached and find it hard to leave people and roam around with hurt in my heart when people leave me.
What are the wounds that confined me to my own  four wall? .. what’s outside that made these walls so damn strong and what’s inside these walls that I never wanna leave?

Sleep diaries

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I don’t sleep because I find the night beautiful, silent yet so bright and lovely that I just don’t want it to end.

There’s this peace at night that soothes my soul and calms my chaos. Maybe it is the only time of the day when I don’t feel the weight of my own expectations crushing me down to the ground.

Then there’s this fact about having nothing to look forward to during the day that comes ahead, leaves me with no reason to sleep now. Why sleep when the now is so peaceful and plenty and all tomorrow has to offer is tonnes of emptiness and a bunchload of nothingness.

The oh so beautiful sun and the warmth of that early sunrise that I once loved to bathe in while the cold chill is still out there, doesn’t seem to be that wonderful anymore. I keep wondering of that little girl who used to wake up before the whole world to just read the news paper is still alive somewhere within.

Then I question myself, do I really have nothing to look forward to in the days ahead?? .. what does that mean and where does it leave me with??

Do I give up and just surrender or find myself something to live for?? Is surrender even an option for me, considering how I was never able to get through that despite my hard trials for years? Do I maybe need to start looking for alternative options to just somehow find a reason to be?!!

Sleep, why are you such a mystery and why did you have to choose me to be elusive with. Couldn’t you let me be any better?? ..

Larry Crowne ;; An attempt

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Not a Review :: Just an attempt at recollecting the so many thoughts revolving in my head post the movie.

For the past couple of years, I have been watching content without a break. It is nothing but continuous consumption, day in and day out. If I am not watching something, I’m either sleeping or eating or doing chores at home. That’s how much content I have been consuming and my screen time scores are through the roof. It is a lot of input for my brain without any outlet of any sort. No wonder I feel that my brain has been rotting away. There’s very little of processing that I’ve been doing. I just move on from one movie to another, from one series to another, season after season, I just consume content. And I do not have any language bias as well, thanks to subtitles. With the variety of content and streaming sites available these days, I’ve come a long way from the days of torrents, overnight downloads and gigabytes of content stored on hard disks. At least in those days, I used to be selective and choosy about the type of content I used to watch. But these days, it is merely a choice from the algorithm recommended items.

As I went mute (by choice unless mandatory) on my personal / real life, I wonder if I still have the capability to voice out my opinions on stuff that I so religiously watch. And to be able to do that, I need to put a halt on the consumption, take a break, and then process whatever I watch, assess my feeling and then attempt to get them out. And this is one such an attempt and I hope to get through this. I’ve watched 2 movies today and one of them was a repeat that I watch whenever life seems bleak, restless and meaningless.

The other one is Larry Crowne that I fished among a tonne of choices and what attracted me to Larry Crowne is that he is a middle aged man who is recently unemployed and is going back to college for a degree. Like a moth to a fire, I was just hooked. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts are such actors that one forgets that it is all an act and we just see the life of these people unfolding before us. And what an amazing supporting cast, even if it is just or a scene or two, they are all just so memorable and eye catching that we only see their act, not the charismatic people they are in real life. It was always a pleasure when one gets to watch such stories on screen.

Larry Crowne loses his job in the first few minutes of the movie and it is all about how he managed after that. I’m neither middle aged, nor have ever experienced job loss. And yet, the idea about a seemingly lone man trying to put his life back together and attempting to go to college, intrigued me, a single woman in her early thirties, on a career break through one of the worst economic times of my life. I’ve been living on my savings for the past couple of years and have been slowly dipping into my investments as well but have never experienced financial hardships. And with all the money that I earned over the decade I worked, I was always an active investor and I thought financial literacy is something I am well versed with. Turns out, I know how to invest the money I earn but never actually understood the concepts of finance or economics in their true sense. Econ 101 is one of the three classes that Larry Crowne takes up at the community college and it made me wonder why I never bothered to actually learn about economics when that is a very huge part of my life in terms of my interests. Managing money came naturally to me when people actually struggle with it despite all the efforts they put it. Why not learn do it properly then? Maybe, my interest may pan out into something useful. I need to explore this option a bit further and see where it leads me.

One other course that Larry Crowne takes is Speech. The movie covers a few tactics of the class and it made me wonder if I still retain my speaking abilities. I used to excel at speech despite how much it tensed me out. I used to over prepare like crazy to overcome my fears and it usually worked. Talking / Speaking / Handling meetings at work, was always easy as it required knowledge of the subject and hardworking & relentless training and prep helped me through. What has and still is a difficult thing is to talk to people, to make small talk, to make people smile and to show my sincerity in my words. Being good with English has always helped me overcome or coverup a lot of my shortcomings, and yet, I’m never confident about English as it isn’t my first language and I do not have enough practice in the language. The only modes of contact were movies, tv shows, content I write or read, and some rare conversations with friends abroad. I need to take the English exam sometime soon and I hope to build up some confidence to ace the test once again. I need to find a way again, to get back on track.

Oh and oh, the many thoughts that ripple through my brain as I watched the movie, and they stayed with me long after the movie ended. The kind of life I led, the kind of life I lead now, and the kind I want, each are so different and have nothing in common whatsoever. I somehow took a huge leap of faith and got from then to now, and how do I get from now to there?.. I keep wondering. The past is interesting as it always has a foot in the current and the future. We just have to make some sense out of the countless moments and memories that we have lived through. And sometimes, it is just about living in the moment and navigating life as it goes. I’m kinda doing a mix of both and this is just a means to vent.

Looking back at the film, not only did it make me rethink about many of my life choices but also reminded me of certain times in life when I was fairly successful but directionless, of the times when I had a plan but sometimes did not follow up on, of the times when I had dreams and then of the times when I had no will or desire to be or do anything. The not being happy in the career that she had no choice but to take up, the lack of motivation that resulted from a dry spell of students, the stagnation and repulsiveness generated from an unhappy personal life, a moment to ponder about addictions, and how I was almost in the same situation as Larry, a pale, no strings attached person in America. My only real burdens are my lack of motivation and will to do/be better. Life is exhausting, but that’s the beauty of life. To find some meaning in the boredom of living. Maybe, I’ll get there someday and look back on this and say, well, that movie is some food for thought.

And on a lighter note, if a bankrupt, jobless, degree less, middle aged man like Larry can get a partner like Mercedes, then there must be some hope for me too. 😛 🙂

I’m actually tired and have no further energy or brains to ponder further and hence ending it at this moment. Maybe, that’s all I can process at this moment. And this, is my attempt at getting back to writing and penning down some of my many random thoughts that might help me slow down a bit and have an outlet for my ever consuming brain.

..

.. Sahasra

What changed.. #1

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I went home for Deepawali and is returning tonight. Strangely, this wasn’t just another long haul. The stay has been different and my feelings while returning were also different. I wonder what changed and how it all cane to happen. Was my month long stay at my place that effective and impactful? I keep thinking about how everything is different this time and how I need to note it all down so that I do not forget any of it. Hence the attempt and since not everything comes to be at once, I’ll compile it all as my memory serves me.

What changed while returning? .. It’d be easier to write this up as this is a pretty fresh memory now. Usually when I return, I’d be exhausted and would be very eager to leave. And this time, I am eager to leave, but not coz I’m exhausted or cause I want to run away to protect my sanity. It is cause, I deeply feel the need to fix myself, my body, my mind and I feel the need do something of myself again. I feel sad to leave home, which isn’t unusual, but the reasons behind that sadness vary this time. I usually would be sad because I’d be missing my stay, my parents and also because I’d be a little scared thinking of what the future holds in it for me. But this time, while I have hopes and dreams for my unknown future, I feel sad to leave my parents behind when I very well know how much they need me/us and how proud they are to ask me to stay back for their own needs. Even on my worst days, there’d always be something that I could do for them. The thought of how much I can make their lives better just by staying with them makes me really sad to leave them and go on with my journey.

Despite this sadness, and these feelings, I still felt the need to leave because no matter how I see it, I desperately see the need to fix myself and be a better person in terms of physical & mental health, financially and career in wise as well. I realised that I can be of any real use to them, only when I’m up and running instead of the current lazy & sulky monster who either binges or sleeps in throughout the day. I see how money is a good motivator to me and how it can make their lives a lot more comfortable than what they can currently afford.

I keep going back to this thought of how all the money I left behind to have this freedom in life, could have made their lives a lot more comfortable and easy, if only had I tried to endure a bit more. I know I did what’s roght by me, even though that meant losing out on a lot of money, but never once did I regret that choice for myself. It is only when it came down to parents, I feel that tiny bits of regret flaring up.

And since I very well know that regrets mean nothing unless there’s proactive action to undo the damage, I want to go back and find some meaning that I desperately need.

Some feelings .. #1

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Someone who’s very affectionate and who expresses their affection towards me. I love holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and someone affectionately holding my face and kissing me. That’s what I’ve come to realise as some of my needs. It must be the physical affection that I was deprived of since childhood that makes me crave for it, but if I ever have a partner again, this is something that I want/need.

More than anything, I want to be with a kind, caring, affectionate and compassionate person who demonstrates his feelings towards me, in some words and a lot of actions. There used to a time when intelligence attracted me but now, I’m more into kind people. Intelligent people still attract me but I often found out that most brainy people are arrogant. I later on realised that my type is emotionally intelligent, not just worldly intelligent who can earn money. It’s heart over brain for me and I heart feelings now 🫀🥴.

This is no random post, this is something that I have always thought about on what I want or need from a partner. I just never had this level of clarity.

I now know that money, I can earn as much as I need and I can live with whatever I have without any regrets. And I’m getting there about not considering the physical attributes as some priority, but the qualities mentioned earlier, are a must and there’s no compromise there.

I’m just okay and good being on my own, living by myself and loving myself as much as I need, but if I ever find someone attractive enough to share this life with or carve some life together, then this would be my most important criteria.

Saying again, this is just my own monologue, something clicked in my head while doing something and realised that I’ll lose this if I didn’t pen it down now. I wanted to create a draft of it, but somehow I’m now convinced that this could be a post as well. So, that’s it 👻🤍.

I hope you’re all doing well and surviving this life in whichever way you can. Whatever the situation is, just take a breathe and live this minute, we can think about the next minute when we get there.. just live this minute in peace. That’s how I’m surviving.

Love, S