6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

A peep into my brain

Well, it might look like I’m bragging, but I’m just writing for myself.

Well, even if I’m bragging, who cares. I’m just being myself. I felt like writing and had no patience to type it all down. So, I’m just being lazy. It’s too much work today and with the impossible targets I have for myself, I’m not going to type it in anytime soon. So, it’s here this way!

If you’re really interested, read and enjoy my confused brain. 😉😎

Paranoid

I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.

When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.

When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.

When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.

When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.

I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.

When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.

I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.

I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.

I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.

I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.

I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.

I wish it is a little bit easy.

In the exact moment #1

I feel like banging my head into the bus door and steel rod infront of me rather than face this life.

It seems to be the easiest thing to do. Why can’t life be just simple where everybody minds their own business?

The suicidal thoughts aren’t anything new. They have become more steady and consistent in the past few months. But only this time, I choose to write. Every time, i somehow cope with them. The fact that such an act would destroy my family is the only thing stopping me.

I’m going to them. I will have to answer so many people and so many questions. I will have to bare my soul for everyone who choose to be my well-wishers. It is as it is difficult to talk to people and now I’ll have to talk to strangers! It scares me like anything. I wish I close my eyes and everything goes away. If only I can roll the timeline by 2 years!

Okay, I need to sleep for a while. It is going to be a very long day. Wish me strength and luck.

Facts #3 – Complexities of my mind

• I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
• I don’t like too much light anywhere.
• I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
• I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
• I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband.
• I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
• I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
• I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
• I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
• I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
• I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

Relationships

What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?

And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?

And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.

When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.

I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.

There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!

This n that

Well, I wanted to keep posting updates regularly so that i stay on course with my list. Though not exactly, but to the maximum possible extent.

The weekend was another waste except for lots of cooking, binge watching and reading. One good thing is that my erratic sleeping hours are a bit under control. I have made​ new rules about food and sleep cycles.

1. No food after 10pm. If at all I’m too hungry or craving for something, then i can have a fruit or a few grapes.
2. No coke or caffeine after work hours. Try to limit myself to one coffee a day.
3. Get back to drinking green tea and atleast one bottle of water per day.
4. Little or no rice in main courses while adding more veggies and protein. Add soups to dinner menus.
5. Make mental notes of sugar and salt intake. Regulate and control it.
6. Finish food in fridge before cooking anything else.
7. Finish groceries at hand before buying anymore.
8. Minimal usage of Carol’s resources.
9. Sleep early and wake up early. I know, this is the toughest of all!
10. Make proper use of lunch break at office. Maybe, walk for 20 minutes everyday! Do something other than work.

Well, i know I’m making too many lists. But to me, making lists is the most effective way to get back on track. I’m tuned that way. I think most of the tasks on my list are actionable and pretty much reasonable. Let’s see how it goes. It will be good if i atleast suceed doing half of the list. As Don Tillman would say, it is like a Gordian knot where one of these might help me get everything done.

Talking of Don Tillman, i have started reading “The Rosie Effect” by Graeme Simson. The 2nd one in the series after “The Rosie Project” which was one wonderful book. 50 pages into it, i now think i need to revisit Rosie Project again! There seem to be lapses in memory. 😋 Memory loss at 27(28 in a month!). Anyways, totally loving Rosie Effect but thinking of keeping it on hold and reading Rosie Project again. I’m not exactly sure where to buy the book but need to search for it. For the love of Don and Rosie, I need to reread it.

Good night ppl. Signing off for the day, Shabba Kher.

A road block or dead lock or whatever!

Not long before, I mentioned in my random ramblings that I was offered a role change at office and things were still in the discussions phase. Well, it didn’t work out, not at-least for now. I am a services consultant and I was offered the role of business analyst by our Product Manager. I did not ask her and it was she, who approached me with the offer. Though it was a casual talk to see if I would be interested or not, I was too excited as I heard her. Maybe, I revealed my excitement too much than I should have. I was looking for a role change since long but even before I could go and ask for a role change, my reporting manager resigned due to some sudden personal developments and some new guy came in which just led my courage drop back to nil and I had to start the game of gaining trust, proving mettle and building confidence all over again. It was like back to square 1. And a month after that, this lady(the Prod. manager) talks to me about role change and I obviously was over cloud nine. But then, she clearly told me not to have any high hopes as nothing is yet finalised and the biggest step is to convince my reporting manager to relieve me from the team that I am currently working in. Why would I be me if I took her seriously. I thought, it should be easy peasy considering the fact that he is new in office and doesn’t know me that well and so would obviously let me go to have the role I wanted.
But then, why would it be life if everything went the way I wanted. From what the lady said, this guy just didn’t want to relieve me. His reasons were that it would be really difficult to manage if the team is short of a senior and that he would at-least need a couple of months to find some replacement for me. And he wanted her to wait for a couple of months and not to rush me matter. I felt terribly sad hearing that. I thought I was getting my fruit after years of effort and he just takes it off my plate. Don’t even bother asking about the names I called him(Of course, in my mind!). The part that they would feel the load if I left is true as our team has been receiving lot of work recently. But that should never be the reason not to relieve me. He would have managed it anyhow if it is the case of me resigning for any reason and he will find some replacement sooner or later. And I really believe that at work, anyone can be replaced and it is just hard work that matters. Don’t even get started with me about smart work. I believe that one who has the mettle to work hard, will eventually learn to work smart. It is just a matter of time before you find the right person. And so that way, this new guy blocked all my chances of getting a role change and I’m sure that job wouldn’t be there when he decides that he can relieve me. And that leaves me in a weird state where my manager thinks that I’m looking for a change and so he will be on it to prepare my replacement and I am left with nothing on plate and have to work my ass off to convince him that I’m more useful than he thinks when that is exactly the opposite of what I want. Because if I don’t do that, I will be having a big hole on my appraisal scale which is due next month. And if he is convinced that I am too good to be given up to another team, it would be a problem for me if my earlier offer still stands or if I was offered anything else. This is not a road block, but a deadlock where I will be at the losing end in any case.

This my friends, is the two way road block where I am the one who’s going to drown no matter what way I go. But doesn’t that make it a manhole with no end? Actually, I wanted to write a post about all those things that I wanted to do if I was out of job suddenly. But as it is always the case with me, I started writing something and ended up writing something else and the real one that I wanted to tell will have to wait till another post. And now that I have already told you the story of how my hopes crashed, I need to tell you that I now am preparing to do a professional course on the role I was offered because that would give me enough power to go for it when the time comes and still try to work hard at my current role so that I get a nice appraisal from the current boss. I know I’m riding two horses at the same time but do I look like I have a choice? huh, life! 🙂
Okay, now I think it’s too much of a rant for a Friday evening. Will see you soon. Take care. 🙂

Love
Sahasra