A peep into my brain

Well, it might look like I’m bragging, but I’m just writing for myself.

Well, even if I’m bragging, who cares. I’m just being myself. I felt like writing and had no patience to type it all down. So, I’m just being lazy. It’s too much work today and with the impossible targets I have for myself, I’m not going to type it in anytime soon. So, it’s here this way!

If you’re really interested, read and enjoy my confused brain. 😉😎

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A lot of details

This morning, when i completed my first shift and then finished cooking breakfast and lunch, for a moment i thought I was resting after a 5 hour whirlwind. But no, it was a low point. For a second it seemed as if all the gloominess in the world decended on me at once. The house was dusty and I’m lying on that bed scared of thinking about the next moment. I wished it was the end.

And then somehow, i pulled myself together, got ready and reached office. My laptop took forever to load and I was counting every single minute. I was desperate and have been banging my head. Then in those 20 minutes of nothing, my brain again found a way out. It went on wandering again like it always does and these thoughts followed.

I started thinking about how we started living together and how every single thing had been an issue between us and how we fought about everything. How I hated the way you spoke, the way you acted, the way you thought cooking and household duties were all my job while you lazed around and the way you tried to manipulate your way around things with your words. In the beginning, while i gave in to the thing called lust, as time passed by, i realised that there is no more depth in our equation. Even if we didn’t speak, even if we didn’t kiss or hug each other, even if we couldn’t be affectionate towards each other, even if i was raging with anger, and even if i expressed utter discomfort towards your body odours and sweat, even if we are emotionally miles apart, it was all okay with you as long as we performed sexual activities. You seemed to be okay with that arrangement while it felt so wrong to me. The fact that we don’t relate with each other about anything in life isn’t a big issue to you but it is to me.

Eventually, my mental and emotional happiness became high priority things to me when compared to the hunger my body has and I’m no longer interested in doing anything with you. From a human being with feelings, you became nothing to me. Gradually, your feelings or opinions didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered to me was me and my happiness. I became this terrible person that I never thought i would ever be. I used to get angry and emotional about everything. And once the anger bouts subsided, i was engulfed in guilt and blamed myself for everything. You anyways blamed me for everything that happened between us and slowly, i too started blaming myself and lived a toxic life where i hated my own existence. It felt as if i ruined your life when the fact is that we both are responsible for what happened to us. We too are so incompatible that no matter what, our differences in thoughts, attitudes and expectations from life, are never going to end. We will have these conflicts forever and the realisation of this fact pushed me towards an emotional trauma that I never even imagined.

And adding fuel to the fire, my hormones started playing with me. PCOS hit me hard. For a while, i didn’t even know it was PCOS. I was suffering from this unbearable pain and was bleeding continuously day in and day out for months. While continous bleeding was making my body weak, there were moments when I considered death a better option than bearing that pain. All those sleepless nights bearing physical pain and utter discomfort were just one side of the coin where the pain of having to live with an individual with whom you cannot share your mind and heart with, is the other side to the problem.

Adding to these are the pressures of running a household entirely on my own. Never before did i have to bear the entire living expenses on my own. Prior to this stint, i never even had the compulsion to do the job. I never worried about the what-if i lost the job today scenario. I was always confident that if i ever lost my job, then I would take a break and find a new job. But this is no longer an option to me. I will have to move back with the in-laws if I don’t have the job. The pressure was huge and it took quite a while to get used to it. More than the pressure, the fact that you didn’t even bother to check about how I’m dealing with it all on my own, surprised me. I know that you had your financial commitments towards your family, but still, there wasn’t even any kind of emotional support from you while I was doing it all on my own untill I asked you to do the minimal. To this day, it is 90:10 is what you share. While I was spending away everything i earn, you get to save all of it! How fair!

Sure, it did push me towards better financial planning and better money management techniques but in the process it ruined my confidence and destroyed me to my core. The fact that I don’t have any emergency funds and that I’m just one paycheck away from ruins, didn’t do me any good. I developed mental health issues like depression and anxiety all the while battling with physical health issues for which I had to rely on my Dad for my medical bills. For a girl who never took a rupee from Dad ever since I started working, it was devastating.

One more development in this period is that i lost whatever little interest i had about having kids of my own. It is true that i was always scared of having kids. But i never set a definite rule to myself that I will never have kids. I always thought, I’m afraid about the entire situation right now, but maybe with the right man, i will be willing to go for it. With you, i couldn’t trust you enough to even share my words and thoughts. How would I be able to trust you with a huge responsibility like kids? Moreover, I didn’t want to raise any kid who might inherit your qualities or characteristics. I’m better off childless than doing that. Thanks to the PCOS related pain and my conflicts with you, I’m now done even with the thought of having kids. I’m scared to death of the pain that i faced in those days. If there is anything that I would call as facing consequences, i would call this mine.

At that time, i never really understood the intensity of what’s happening with me and i doubt if you even had a clue of my mental state. I bet you know that I’m suffering physically, but still had no idea about the intensity of the pain I’m in. I tried explaining things to you but like every other time, it was all wasted effort as you would never understand whatever i tried explaining you. You somehow thought I was always giving excuses. There are numerous times when i tried to explain and reach out but all in vain. And then there are times when i struggled to give any logical reasons and only answered with an “I don’t know”. Whatever little i understood, I always tried to explain you. Infact you were always the first person explained and whenever I did that, you always took it in the wrong meaning. You either panicked or went on zombie mute mode and both of these led to more fights. I now wish there was atleast one normal and pleasant conversation between us. But sadly, there were none. There is not a single memory with you, that i want to treasure.

And then emotional blackmail and public humiliations started. Living this life is itself hell but it is nothing compared to the pain it caused while explaining it to others. Every single time i explained someone, it killed me a little bit. Sadness gradually took over every other aspect of my life. Every word i speak is followed by tears. There is no single moment when i didn’t wish for death. Hell, i even researched death. You know, though painful, it is just too easy for me to die. I practically shut myself out of everybody’s life that no one would even realise that I’m missing untill a couple of days atleast.

The kind of pain your body goes through when you have physical pain is nothing compared to the mental one. You look alright on the outer and no one would even understand what you are going through. When you smile for the world, you die every moment on the inside.

The fact that people, the so called elders forced me into live with you again, is killing me. Even the thought of you coming home tonight, is making me panic. I really want to lock myself in and not open the door. But that would be too cruel, wouldn’t it be! The fact that i will have to live this lie again, is killing me again and again. Now, every moment, i wish I’m dead. That is why i wanted to take an insurance policy. I’m not going to take my life but i wish i die somehow in an accident or something. Like they say, when you really want something, the whole universe conspires into getting it done. I just wish for my death to come find me soon.

And when i think like this, there is this little part of me that dies every moment because I became so selfish that all i can think about is death. Don’t i care about what happens to my parents and to my sister when i die? Will they be able to survive the storm i put them in? And more than anything, is this all to my life? I did nothing. I achieved nothing. Didn’t do a thing to make my parents proud. Didn’t make this life worth remembering. Am i really ready to conclude this life leaving it worthy of nothing? When i think about all of these and my little sister, tears just don’t end. How useless my birth would be after taking my own life!

I’m just struggling to decide. To live or not to. And this moment, i wish I was dead. But the next moment when Mum or Dad or Chinnu talk, i want to rewrite my life. I wish there is an easy road.

Paranoid

I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.

When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.

When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.

When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.

When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.

I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.

When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.

I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.

I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.

I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.

I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.

I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.

I wish it is a little bit easy.

In the exact moment #1

I feel like banging my head into the bus door and steel rod infront of me rather than face this life.

It seems to be the easiest thing to do. Why can’t life be just simple where everybody minds their own business?

The suicidal thoughts aren’t anything new. They have become more steady and consistent in the past few months. But only this time, I choose to write. Every time, i somehow cope with them. The fact that such an act would destroy my family is the only thing stopping me.

I’m going to them. I will have to answer so many people and so many questions. I will have to bare my soul for everyone who choose to be my well-wishers. It is as it is difficult to talk to people and now I’ll have to talk to strangers! It scares me like anything. I wish I close my eyes and everything goes away. If only I can roll the timeline by 2 years!

Okay, I need to sleep for a while. It is going to be a very long day. Wish me strength and luck.

Marriage – Once I agreed #2

Once i agreed to get married, things moved real fast. I wanted to take it slow but I guess I’m not that strong to say No to things that i didn’t believe in. We met in December and engagement was planned to be in the 2nd week of February and Marriage on the 4th week of February. There is exactly 1 month and 15 days in between. It was not an easy time.

I had an experience before, i got engaged to this guy, but after engagement, the guy’s parents started asking for property transfer in my name even before marriage. When my Mum strongly said no to them, they broke it off. I have been talking to the guy almost every day and then suddenly there’s no communication. The guy didn’t even bother telling me about the broken engagement. I was informed by my parents. I was scarred from that rejection. I somehow forgot to open up to people. I couldn’t trust anyone again. I think this rejection is also a reason behind me agreeing to get married. Within 3 months, i was ready to get married again? Something’s definitely wrong with me. I wonder where all my ‘Akal’ went to!

But more than agreeing to get married, it is how I behaved after agreeing, that had the most impact on us. For the fear of letting someone know me again, for the fear of letting someone walkover me all again, I was hesitant and reluctant to talk to you or to get to know you.

And your attitude made me more shielded. It never let me down my guard. You were critical of everything and anything about me. In the very few times we met, you had issues about my eyes, my body weight and the way I dress. Once, i even dared to ask you, on why you wanted to get married to me when you have so many problems with me, and you said, it wasn’t you but your family who had problems and you were just telling me. I clearly knew back then that it must have been your family who have raised those issues but it was you who had problems with those aspects of me and you wanted me to change, hide and be presentable in a way you like me to be. Every comment and joke you cracked about my weight still hurts.

I now realise that it was a blatant disregard for whatever I am and my being. It was you trying to impose what you thought was correct for me and about me. I was always afraid of losing myself and my identity to someone who is manipulative in every word they say. I was always scared to give such control over me to anyone. I did not realise that it is how you act, that is who you are, until very much later. It feels as if everything you do is to showcase something to the world. You wanted to get married to me because it elevates your financial and social status. To you, I’m someone who earns well and is beautiful except some weight issues which you thought you can control.

I was a fool. I never really understood the importance of physical attraction. All i thought was, if we can talk our hearts out, we can be friends. And once there is friendship, there will be an emotional connect which will help me with the physical attraction as well. I was wrong in underestimating the power of being attracted physically. I never considered how you looked or how i felt about your looks. I should have. I now realise that, in tough times, in rocky times, it is physical attraction that saves a relationship. But I was also right about the emotional bond. No talking is equal to no friendship and no friendship is equal to no bonding of any kind.

I still don’t think I can blame you. Like i had my issues, you must have had yours and your thought process is different and so are your priorities. What was you trying to control me was a natural course of thing to you. To you, a girl is someone for whom you decide things and make decisions for. A man is supposed to be respected and a woman, to be controlled. What meant a lot to me, may have meant nothing to you. And with us being so different from each other, i couldn’t even explain you in a way you would understand without getting hurt. What i thought as a one time thing became a recurring thing throughout our marriage. This is the unexpected part.

Whatever happened before marriage did not let us form any kind of bond, physical or emotional whatsoever and we are already getting married. I couldn’t even call you my friend and yet i was getting married to you. I still didn’t have any feelings for you. I felt more than this for a crush in high school. I have so many mixed feelings by the time we got married. I wasn’t any bit excited. I always had mood swings and the process of marriage is itself a tiring affair with so much pressure on the girl’s side that it did not help at all. This is how, at the end, i got married to you without me even dropping a single tear at the parting ceremony. What was supposed to be the most important and emotional thing, just became a ritual that we need to get over with.

And when those Tears really came to me, it became a post. This is the worst thing about my life. Everything sad becomes a blog post and everything happy, becomes a memory that i might forget forever!

Marriage – Things that led to it #1

What was i thinking when i agreed to get married to you?

It was right after a tough setback in my career. I was really dejected and losing hope. So i thought, screw you my dear career, let’s concentrate on personal life. But now that i recall, did i ever leave my work to what it is? It is my life, my bread and butter. I can never ignore or escape it even if I wanted to. Sadly, i made it my identity and it still is.

That was when i got to meet you. I was really hopeful. But the scars from the previous experiences were still there. I met you at the mall and we spoke for about 2 hours. Maybe, it is the way you spoke, the confident tone or so i assumed, kept the conversation going. I was happy that i was able to talk to you, have a conversation with you, share my mind with you. I perhaps mistook my professionally developed skills to a change in my attitude and told you that I’m an introvert but have been developing social skills.

But that isn’t the only thing I misunderstood that day. I thought you were confident but i should have come to that conclusion after a couple more meets. Talking is a skill you have. You know what to talk when. You know how to say all the right words at the right time. You grasp the situation and pull out the words the other person wants to hear from you. What i thought of as confidence and clarity are all actually a part of your talkativeness. All you needed was an open mind to listen and i was there to do just that. Like an idiot, I thought it was all magical. Since you have been living outside your home since school, i assumed you would develop an independent thought process just like i did and so would understand my need for freedom, emotional bonding and choice. I was wrong. You never lived on your own. You were born in a very old fashioned family and is raised by a very orthodox set of grand parents. That is exactly how your thought process developed. Typical and Orthodox but with very sharp financial awareness. You knew what kind of partner you needed to move ahead in life. To the external eye, I always fit all the parameters.

After meeting you, i should’ve taken enough time to think and decide. I should’ve atleast asked to meet you a few more times. But no, like an idiot, i said let’s meet the parents. I was still under the impression that we’ll meet each others parents and then decide. But the setting that day seemed like it was all decided already. I was a little bit shocked and confused as it stuck me that i will have to live with the in-laws but then, i really liked your family. Against my better judgement and brain, I thought I will be able to get along well.

The grave mistake i did that day was to think like this, “Arranged marriage is working well for everyone around me. Why wouldn’t it work for me? I anyways need someone to rely on emotionally. And if we can talk and be good friends, we might make a life out of it. It is going to work.” I was an idiot to think that way. Just because it worked for everyone, doesn’t mean it should work for me. I’m not everyone. I’m not the all compromising, carefree, and adjusting girl with simple thoughts. I’m never simple nor normal. I’m always the opposite of it. I’m always Complex. I’m always complicated and due to the conflict with the environment around me, i was always confused about my identity and thoughts. I adjusted about a lot of things but never about self-respect and freedom. I always had issues talking to people. I always felt uncomfortable while socializing. Things like that were never my cup of tea. I talk a lot but not with everyone. I do that only with my confidantes. The only best friends i have are from college and it took me half a decade to be a shameless friend with them. To this day, there are things that I do not confide in them. In this short life of 25 years, qqthere is no person in this entire world that i didn’t have secrets with. I’m very hard to understand and ten times harder to be friends with and almost impossible to be loved. If this is all one side to it, it is tenfold difficult for me to trust, be friends with and be able to love someone. To this day, I don’t think I have ever loved anyone else except my parents and my sister. And this me, thought marriage, that too arranged, and again living with the in-laws would work for me. This is my stupidity at my peaks.

What made me meet you? I was never interested in getting married because I always feared that nobody would be able to understand me and I will not be able to love anyone. But the pressure to get married was huge. Huge is actually a very small word for the amount of pressure I was under. There were times when I thought it was nothing but emotional blackmail. But to be fair to everyone around me, at the end, i was convinced that i needed someone to rely on emotionally, someone to share my brain and life with. At the end, I was convinced, which made me think that if it is working for everyone around me, it would work for me too. But somewhere deep down, i always knew, it will be almost impossible for me to accept anyone openheartedly. I don’t know why, but i always thought that I’m too selfish to be that accepting of anyone and selfless love isn’t my cup of tea.

And I still went ahead and decided to get married to you. That was how it all started.

Facts #2 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband. 
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?