Relive

I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.

It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.

I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.

Facts #2 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband. 
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

    Relationships

    What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?

    And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?

    And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.

    When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.

    I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.

    There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!

    Some promises to myself

    • Sleep on time.
    • Eat on time.
    • No matter what, tell yourself “I Love You” at the start and end of the day, everyday.
    • Make 2 lists everyday. One for work and other for life. Make them happen without killing yourself.
    • Watch a movie once a week and more than one if possible.
    • Whenever you think of suicide, think of maa, paa and chinnu. And about the wonderful life you could have lived if you have just learnt to live through.
    • Try to do some form of exercise everyday.
    • Do not sleep during the day. i.e. weekends. Visit atleast one new place every week.
    • Watch all those pending series.. only on weekdays huh!
    • Completely read one book every week and write a review on every Saturday.
    • You have a wonderful phone. Take advantage of it and make sure you click 2 pictures every day. One of yours and the other of Melbourne.
    • Fall in love with yourself and Melbourne again.
    • If shopping makes you feel better, do.  Splurging on yourself is so worth it.
    • Do atleast one online course a month. Doesn’t matter how small or big it is, just decide and do.
    • Start preparing your resume.
    • Update the LinkedIn profile.
    • Sit with Dad and do taxes. Learn about your financial worth.
    • Learn the art of investing.
    • Make bucket lists for life, for Melbourne, for everything that you can think of.
    • Accept your mistakes and learn to move forward.
    • Listen, no matter what, you are always worth someone’s time and love. And ofcourse, you are capable of loving someone.
    • It is okay to be selfish.
    • Understand that you can write the best story of your life only by living it wholeheartedly enjoying every moment of it.
    • Keep looking at this list as a reminder and work on it. Keep updating it whenever required.
    • Your goal in life is to be happy not just to be someone’s daughter or sister or wife or anything. 
    • It is okay to be different and thinking like this is NOT A MISTAKE.

    Lou Gehrig

    Never ever seen a base ball game in my 26  years of my life. Happened to come across a tribute to Lou Gehrig this morning and I was wondering all day about where I heard this name. I started googling the name and then found the connection. Not long time back, there was this ALS Ice Bucket challenge about which everyone literally went crazy. I read about the disease back then, but never cared to read about the person after whom this disease is renamed. Wiki portrays a wonderful sketch of the man’s life and it is indeed amazing to know about such a man.

    And before I talk more about this man, I must say that I’m in a fragile and very weak emotional state due to stress from personal and professional lives. I wish things were as easy as the tears that tried to flow down the cheeks and I wish I had the courage to stand up for my life or should I say for control over my life. Anyways, this emotional me, got a reason to let the tears flow by when I read about the person. No one ever told me that crying for silly reasons can also make your heart lighter. Though I knew nothing of you, I thank you for being that person everyone says you are and thank you for moving me with your life. Here is the poem written by, John Keiran (another name that sounds very familiar but not sure how and from where! I still have to research him.) for the day he retired. I hope you like it as much as I did.

    “We’ve been to the wars together;
    We took our foes as they came;
    And always you were the leader,
    And ever you played the game.

    Idol of cheering millions,
    Records are yours by sheaves;
    Iron of frame they hailed you
    Decked you with laurel leaves.

    But higher than that we hold you,
    We who have known you best;
    Knowing the way you came through
    Every human test.

    Let this be a silent token
    Of lasting Friendship’s gleam,
    And all that we’ve left unspoken;
    Your Pals of the Yankees Team.”

    This is it people. Take care and love you all.
    Love,
    Sahasra